beaniesmom

2011-10-19T23:47:00.000-07:00

5 months ago, on May 19, I was being checked to see how dilated I was. I had made it through to 4 inches with only a single dose of fentanyl and was well beyond the induction meds.

Yes, after several tries and fails, I was having another baby.

Today, I am the proud mommy of two darling girls. One is 6 and precious as can be. The second is 5 months old and completely fat and sassy and sweet, as adorable as any baby, maybe more adorable. Little Enza, my tiny fluttering bird that was floating softly inside of me just a few months ago, has become a turkey meatball! Round, joyful, with unbelievable curly hair (a full head!) she came into our lives at 5:30 in the morning and has not disappointed.

Two sisters. Magical.

2010-02-12T21:34:00.000-08:00

Wow, my little girl is now 4 and a half! She's amazing, fun, brilliant, kooky, weird, perverse, and very very girly. She can execute a lovely little arabesque, belt out Lea Michelle songs from Glee, and very carefully explains that the F-Word (she actually said it) and the word "Bidge" are naught and they are words from Larry David (she pronounces his name "Lorry") and we don't even get mad, since it's our own fault, being huge fans of Curb. She also knows LOTS of euphemisms for passing gas, uses interesting vocabulary appropriately (for example, she told me large ornaments are "dramatic", and today she informed me that cheese is not always a "feature" on a burger. And yes, that freaked me out a bit.)

She cleared the puzzle pieces off a puzzle, got some balls, and little plastic forks and invented a game. Basically, you gently tap the ball and keep it in the bed of the puzzle. If it goes out of bounds, it's the other guys' turn. She's really good at this game, and yes, it's really hard for me, and yeah, she lets me win. She also created a game where you draw three things, and put a question mark at the end of the line. The other person has to shut their eyes and point psychically to the item you are "thinking" about If you get it right, you get a smooch on the cheek and it's your turn to draw three things and a question mark.

I love being around this kid. She is so vital and fun and full of wonder and wisdom.

2008-04-24T15:38:00.000-07:00

Obama Rama.

Sorry this is sideways...

2008-04-09T12:05:00.000-07:00

Well, Beanie started school.

It's a preschool and daycare all day/all in one. With their potty schedule, the kid is fully potty trained. We were well on the way to it, but now she's super independent. All she needs is a light on. It's hilarious to see her trying to climb onto a potty. She can even hold it when you are driving fast to a potty or running through Target like a maniac, abandoning your cart when you hear the fatal 6 words "Mommy, I need doo doo. Righnow."

She's learning how to write her real name, but they all call her Beanie Grrl. She traced "Elspeth M--" and then drew a red dot underneath it. Her dad picked her up and asked her what it was and thought it was so funny, he told me to ask when I got home. "Beanie, what's this?" (I thought she'd say ladybug.) "Dat? Dat's Mommy Nunu." I.e, she drew my nipple. She loves the nunus. Still. I think she's weaned, but she still "needs" them.

She is also the smallest at school, literally the youngest and the tiniest. They all try to pick her up. The older girls (little sisters in their own houses) all play with her like she's a baby. Beanie, however, is very independent. According to the teachers, she gives and takes the guff just fine. Her motto is still "I DO IT!!!" as she wrassles the crayon or the handle or the cup from your own grasp. She routinely kicks us out of the bathroom, and names her doo doos "dat daddy doo doo, oh wait, no MOMMY doo doo. And baby doo doos." As they are arriving. I think they are categorized by the plop noise. Very funny in that "she's so going to hate me when she's 13 and reads this" way.

Her vocabulary and explanations have gotten clearer, her level of articulation is pretty great, even if she's pretty picky about who she says things to. She still corrects us. A lot. For example, trying to categorize a labeled picture of a rooster. "No mommy, Chicken." Roosters are only a noise still, a cockadoodle noise. All skirts are "ninas" for "ballerina" and she demands them. On top of jeans most of the time.

Also 25 lbs of flesh saying "Oh My God." and correcting us when we try to say "Oh my Gosh!" when they show car crashes on TV or "Watch Out Kids, Cars No See you! Careful!!" To skateboarders in the street at night makes me excited to see what else she will come up with next.

Recently she woke up and told me "Mom, bad news. Man in car drive fast. I scared. Bad man. Drive fast car."
Yikes! She remembers her dreams and they are not about "monsers---rahr". I hope she's not psychic, as that will make me paranoid for her for the rest of my life.

So this morning we woke her up and said "so, do you have good news?"

Life with Beanie. Always interesting, that much is true.

Photos above are from First Day at Preschool, March 18 2008.

2008-02-06T12:22:00.000-08:00

Hegg Aches and other funny things that beanie says:

PeeDee! (pee wee)
Nonina! (angelina ballerina)
Tattoo! (tutu)
Bidge! (bridge)
Say-wy... (scary)
Monsa (monsters)
AhUhyou (I love you.)
unhWOHcome (you're welcome.)
Sisustng (That's disgusting.)

the rest of the stuff she says is pretty much understandable. Although last night she was crying for "Bats", and I was all "Honey, if you are trying to tell me something, try again. Use your words, I will get it if you keep trying." And she basically chased me down and threw the remote at me. Bounce. As in, that show for kids. Turn it on. Don't talk to me about bats.

She can now count to ten, but was all over the place last night when her dad tried to get her to show me this new skill.

I like how she says Basketball "Backets Ball" and Soccer Ball is "Soccaball" and she yells "CHATCH!" at you as she lofts them at your head.

We now own a lot of books. I buy them all the time from Amazon. Whenever the urge hits, I get a picture book. I recently purchased Stellaluna, Verdi and Crickwing. None of which she enjoys yet.

However, I know my toddler book ferreting abilities are pretty strong, since I made sure she had That's Mean and That's Disgusting pretty early on, and That's Dangerous was pretty recent but works too. She loves them.

My parents have no idea what she is saying, but her new favorite thing is to talk on the phone. She used to stand there and act like she was listening, but now she asks for certain people to be put on the phone, and she will CHAT THEM UP. Only, it's so fast, you have no idea what she's saying. Conversations on my end tend to go like this: "Oh, you had fish? No? You SAW fish? Ah. Oh? Really?......... That's a good story. Did you say baby swing?.......... Oh really? Are you laughing because I figured out what you said? Can I talk to daddy?.............. Say bye bye mommy..." this cues her to say bye bye and her dad will pick up. Average length of call: 2 minutes. I love my kid, but boy, is she a talker!

We've been having some interesting conversations about butts lately too. "My butt." "No, MY butt." She grabs butts. She also turns hers out and makes poot noises with her mouth for special effect. This culminates in tons of giggles. And makes her father and I turn to each other and wonder "is fart humor common in 2 year old girls?"

2008-01-22T09:49:00.000-08:00

First dental visit!

Beanie has "decalcification" due to night breast feedings and probably also the fact that we put an ounce or so of juice in her water to keep her hydrated. So, she soldiered through her dental visit and had weird yellow flouride resin brushed onto her teeth and we got a good lesson in "how to brush a toddler's teeth" which worked wonders on my self esteem, since I feel like an abuser every time we hold her down to do the deed. We also learned a new hold. She's had some moderate success with the "water only after tooth brushing" but she doesn't believe me about the nunus. I think I'm finally drying up completely anyway, so it's mostly just for cuddle time. I figure when your daughter is old enough to forcibly attach herself to your chest, you waited too long to wean. I am guilty of this.

I think we have had good success with our potty training laissez faire-itude as well. Sure, I bought the paper to make a cute little sticker reward board, but we never implemented it. Mostly because I never made it, and also mostly because stickers are more fun to stick on everything else. Anyway, today she pulled her sick self outta bed, dragged her little step stool to the potty, inserted her little toddler toilet seat into the bowl, and took off her own dry diaper. Then she climbed up, positioned herself, yawned, and peed. All by herself. She then popped down off the pot, grabbed her TP, wiped, threw it in, said "bye bye" and flushed it. By then she was awake, and dragged her stool to the sink to "warsh hands." She also says "quawta" for quarters, by the way. She calls all coins pennies and quawtas. I have no idea why she speaks with a New England Seaboard accent on some words, but there you go. Anyway, she still pees in her pants most days, but the doodoos and the weewees have been happening in the potties of this fair city more and more often.

Beanie is rad. She makes me super happy still. I can't imagine life without her, and yet, I thought my life was full before she came! How little I knew back then...

This weekend I am hosting with a friend a "Tea party" and inviting mamas and toddlers that we like and know. I know it's short notice, but how cute is that? It's a no reason tea party, which is why it makes me so happy. Not a birthday, no obligations, just come over and make a kid craft and eat a cucumber sandwich and try some tea.

I need to tell the PF that I planned this...I forgot to tell him!

Talk to the hand:

2007-12-19T11:28:00.000-08:00

Today is the work xmas party. Should be interesting! We are dropping the Beanie off with my sister so that we can actually eat tonight. Last year I had to get a subpar pasta dish to share with the Bean, who didn't eat it and only wanted to blow out the candles on the table. And I watched everyone else eating a ribeye that was to die for. So, I'm looking forward to it! We rarely go out without our daughter, and we never go to fancy restaurants. I don't mind too much, because we go to very high-quality restaurants, and not so often are we at a chain, but it would be nice to go to someplace really special sometime.

On my list of "special" in my town:
the Waterboy (I've had this restaurant's catered fare, but have never eaten there.) Mulvaney's (such great reviews of fancy foodies)
Ruth's Chris Steak House
Jamie's (the secret fancy bbq place in town)

where I like to go with the Beanie:
Pho Bac Hoa Viet (vietnamese yums)
Rosalinda's (mexican yums)
Stagecoach (american yums)
Edokko and Banzai (Japanese yums)
New Station (Chinese yums)

Pretty much all of these places allow me to feed my toddler off my plate and do not freak out if she suddenly decides to race around (not that PF would ever let her, he's more of the type to take her outside and wander around so that I can eat. Although we often take turns) or squeal. I am uncomfortable anywhere she can't squeal. If I get one look from another customer or a server, I get all defensive and cranky. And then I don't enjoy anything, end of story.

I'm getting more and more comfortable with the idea of babysitters beyond my dear friend and my sister, but I don't think I make enough money to splurge on a date night that includes a paid babysitter. Back when I babysat for extra cash, I charged 6.00/hr and 2 bucks extra per extra kid. A four hour night would cost you an extra $24 bucks. Add that to a $120 dinner bill. or even a cheap dinner and a movie could run you 50-80. Honestly, taco bell and a movie plus a babysitter will be $50.

If we do it and drive out to my sister's, we spend $10 in gas, save about $14 in babysitters, but we'd have to see movies out in the burbs or dinner at some chain. Forget trying to see a play, tickets at the B Street Theater start around 18 bucks each, and the community center and music circus are totally outta my league right now.

So, we get a LOT of netflix and eat take out, make dinner, or go to restaurants that are kid friendly. Are we totally common? Are we average parents? Does the fact that we eat a lot of ethnic food and rent Herzog films make any difference, or are we just part of the cultural wasteland?

2007-12-11T16:44:00.001-08:00

It's hard to believe, but a birthday, a trip to S. America, a Halloween and a Thanksgiving have all gone by and I have not blogged about them.

Beanie is still my darling grrl. Her language skills are going through the roof these days.

It's hard to understand sometimes, but she uses sentences and tenses. Thankfully, she cannot actually read. But she picks out the most ridiculous books out of our shelves to browse through.

We did photos with Santa, and this year she wasn't scared. Until she was actually in his lap. But afterwards, she said "Tenk you, Santa" and blew him a kiss. Shocked the shit out of everyone.

She's just a funny little girl. Recently she was screaming "I Chinese! I Chinese Baby! I Chinese GURLLLLLL!" But you can't get her to do that anymore. Not even with a prompt.

She's pretty good with understanding "no" and what limits and boundaries are. We tend to put her in time out pretty quickly when she starts getting "outta control" which is what are reasons are for putting her there in the first place. "Do you need a time out? You seem to be getting outta control." And then "you can come out if you are in control." Am I squashing my kid's instincts to be inappropriately silly and wild and screaming and angry and tantrumming? You bet I am. My favorite thing to ask her is if she needs a spanking. I do this a lot in public just to see reactions. Because I don't spank her. But she knows what it means, since we play like that a lot.

Christmas is almost here. We are prepared, I think.

I cannot believe we are nearly through with another year. She's still in the 5th percentile for weight...if anyone has good toddler food ideas, send them my way. She eats, but she doesn't always eat the same things we eat.

2007-08-22T12:45:00.000-07:00

I have no idea how I got onto this blog. Literally. I really do not know what happened, it doesn't recognize my passwords, and it's now owned by google. When did that happen???

Anyway, I am finally able to SAY SOMETHING.

And that something is...Beanie is going to be two (2) very soon. Next weekend.

Holy toledo.

And also...

Her favorite sentence is "Stop it."

2007-07-27T10:25:00.001-07:00

Boy, I am really getting bad about posting.

Beanie says "Awesome!" and "cool!" and a lot of "no".

She can say "I want some" which sounds suspiciously like "I awesome". She says "thank you" and it sounds like "sank you."

If you pass gas or make a zrbt noise around her, she will wave her arms and hold her nose, squinch her face, laugh and say "sinky!" She also informs you whenever she herself makes a sinky, and will try to shock you with a particularly good one every so often.

She can use the potty, but it's on her terms. If you ask her if she wants to wee wee, she says no. But when she's ready, she says "wee wee" or starts grunting and you have to run like the wind to make it to the potty in time.

There are wild kittens in our parking lot. Beanie calls them "tees". She wants to see them and hold them. They won't let her get near them. To keep them around long enough to observer, I have to hold her. She kicks me. With her boots. I have chest bruises. She throws a tantrum when I take her away from the tees. She has also started crouching down near cars to check underneath for the tees, because she's really smart and knows that's where they hide. If I were an idjit, I'd take her to the pound and adopt a friendly kitten. That's if I were an idjit. There is no way I am bringing any more cats into my world. Shabazz is the sweetest, most problematic kitty ever. And Wingnut is getting ridiculously rotund. I also have Feral Churchill still living reclusively in my parent's garage, he doesn't come out for many people. N. O. W. A. Y. do I get another cat, possibly in this lifetime.

Maybe I will get her a guinea pig and tell her it's a tee.

She calls everyone on Sesame Street "Ernie", so that's not so huge a stretch, is it?

Beanie is 23 months old today.

Holy Toledo, it has FLOWN by so fast. Someone said "days are long, but the years fly by." That is so true.

I love you, my precious Beanie Girl!

Land Park Ponies

2007-06-04T07:47:00.001-07:00

Land Park Ponies
Originally uploaded by Beanie's Mom

Pony Rides!!

2007-06-04T07:40:00.000-07:00

I don't have a lot to say, but blogger is blocked at work these days. And I just noticed I no longer have photo adding action? WTF? I guess if I wan a pic, I will have to add the code by hand. Poopy.

Beanie is still her little magical self. She recently rode ponies, danced in a water fountain, and got to hang out with her new favorite bands. She also took her first poop in the potty (one time) and has actually asked a few times to wee wee (but most of them were diaper-done.)

Other than that, she's learning more and more words and saying things that surprise me (like, she can't differentiate between "snackies", but she knows he difference between cherry and strawberry and will ASK for "shehwy" or "schrbwy" if you understand her lingo, it all makes sense.)

She's a huge Wiggles fan. She says "Hi guys!" in the morning and then signs for Wiggles with all her fingers.

Boy, I do really love this kid.

Oh yeah, and she uses "No" in full force now. She will answer questions with "no" and it makes sense. And I need to get her "buh-bye" on digital recorder. It kills me.

Ah bean, you rock you momma's planet.

2007-04-27T16:34:00.000-07:00

Lordy. I have not signed in for ages because I literally could not remember how to do it. But I was determined, because today, Beanie turned 20 months old. She calls herself "meme" and "meanie".

Since I've been away, I've been:

1) back in Jamaica during their Carnival. Beanie has started calling the airport "Mama."
2) moved offices (new HQ is in a big fancy office, I have my own cubicle, the desk is already messy as hell)
3) went to a multitude of easter egg hunts
4) we started to have wee wees in the big potty.
5) Beanie started saying "no." And discovered the wiggles. Simultaneously.

and not just "no." But the cutest little "no" ever. "noh." And she says Nunu. Finally. FINALLY. She finally "uses her words" before she actually shoves her hands under my shirt and rips my underwire apart. All this, and I'm trying to wean her too. She gets night nunus.

If you get her on the potty in the morning, and wait a little, you will be rewarded with the cutest little tinkle time. She will clap for herself. She still likes to doodle out on the patio, sitting on the sliding glass door ledge, in the sun.

We brought in the travel crib and set it up. So far, so good for the most part. We get about 3 hours before I go to bed to hang out and watch CSI together on the couch without the baby, but we both get up to "check on her" a lot. We bring her into bed with us when she wakes up, but just having 2-3 hours? So great. And she's just totally precious when she's sleeping.

She broke the keys off our laptop. PF still needs to fix T, Q, and Control.

You can get her to go through the whole alphabet if you say "ah-ah-A! buh-buh-B!" and so on. She also says "six" and Circle.

Circle means circle, but it also means twinkle and star.

For example, "circle, circle, circle, circle..." sung to the alphabet song means she wants to hear Twinkle Twinkle. She still asks for Ring Around The Rosie with "ashes ashes".

The other day I was putting her in her carseat, and she suddenly started yelping "I do circle! I do circle!" Her first sentence by the way.

She flipped out when I said "No,sit down", and she was straining to reach the seat below her. I looked, and there was a fairy wand with a star on top. I gave it to her. She settled down.

I nearly cried. Her first sentence, I understood it, and we had a happy ride home.

Sigh.

Beanie, I love you.

Old photo, so cute:

2007-03-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

To recap my last few weeks, I've managed to:

1) Recover from Jamaica
2) lose my phone
3) traveled to Korea again
4) buy a phone
5) PF found my original phone
6) it is now The Beanie's phone
7) because she hid it in our laundry
8) keep my crazy bladder-cat alive
9) my other cat is ridiculously fat and I don't know how that happened
10)Seamas ate a lot of Korean chocolate and scared me to death. I got very little sleep the last few weeks, to put it mildly.

I have dozens of pictures of Beanie. New ones. But they are all on the new phone. And I don't have the power to email it all to myself. I wonder if I can download stuff directly onto my computer through the little charger guy? I should read the manual.

It's a razr. It's pink. Beanie likes it, but she's pretty happy with my old one.

She says "Atum" for "hello" and "goodbye." Atum was apparently the first of many Egyptian gods. This made me nervous when I read it on Wikipedia. Like, "how old is my baby's soul? jeebus." But I got over it. Especially since she will chat on the phone and blow kisses. Her conversations sound like this "Atum. Oh? Mmmm. Oh? E-eye-e-eye-oh. Ah. Atum."

She's quick, too. You can't stand too close to the wall phone. And if you call our house? And it's busy? You can bet that she's been on the phone in the bedroom.

She has started moving her arms to "Wheels on the bus" and will la bamba and disco and monkey stomp. Her dance moves are the shizzle.

Beanie is still nursing at night. She also got me this morning because she woke up asking for a ba-ba. I gave her one. And she finished it and pushed up my shirt. I shouldn't let her do that, but the screams are horrible in the morning. At night, I'm usually asleep or nearly there and my soporific nunus are used and discarded rather quickly since she passes out on them.

Oh, and we just got back from our first vacation as a family. We drove down to LA. It took many rounds of Old McDonald and Ring Around The Rosie to make it there and back, we don't have a cassette or DVD, so that meant I was hoarse. We hung out with my g-pa. He turned 87 on Friday, so we drove down to bug him. My nana is in a hospice care home. She was diagnosed with advanced Alzheimers about 6 weeks ago and has been up and down. Luckily, we visited her every day and she was just as pleasant and sweet as can be. She didn't know who we were, but she loved Beanie and kept saying her feet were "perfect" and that the PF was "A good lookin' man" and she kissed him a lot. My nana is so sweet, I will miss her so much when she is gone.

On the way home we found out we had left our alarm clock scheduled to go off. At full blast. Prompting a call from our management company. And a complaint from my downstairs neighbor this morning. Which, I personally think, could have been rectified easily by our housesitter had we known it was the alarm clock. Apparently, my neighbor was still pissed about it days later. What do you say to that? "Thanks for calling the cops and reporting our alarm clock as a 'house alarm"? "Sorry that happened, we have a baby who likes to push buttons"? "Here's my number, call US next time so we don't feel horrible on our ONLY VACATION EVER"? Anyway. We left the alarm clock on. Apparently, it goes off for 4 full hours every morning at 6:40 AM. That sucks. But I'm still really mad at the management company who said they were calling the cops and who weren't sure if they were calling the right people and who didn't actually call my landlord. But that was the only really annoying thing that happened in weeks.

I took Monday and Tuesday off to drive back at a leisurely pace (we left on Friday night around 8 PM and got to LA at 3 AM due to many, many stops and crying.) We drove up through Fresno (f-no) and hit a wall of storm just north of Visalia. It was pouring when I stopped to visit my cousins and my uncle, who is in remission from Leukemia. I got all the "I may never see you again" visits in. Which made me feel better.

PF is such a trooper. I have a crazy, kooky, sick-and-dying family. He stayed for it all and we didn't even go "out". I had planned a trip to Griffith Park, but it's hard to get motivated when your nana is down in Hawthorne barely remembering to eat. So, he came along on all the visits and chatted with my g-pa. I think we really made his weekend, he loved Beanie so much. I got a few photos, but not on digital so I'll upload one once they are developed and scanned.

Long weekend. Long week. Long month.

I'm exhausted.

How does lunch sound? It sounds pretty damn good to me...

~beanie maman

2007-03-07T10:31:00.000-08:00

I am gearing up for another marathon flight to Korea next week. After I come back, I think we will do a family drive down to LA to see my grandpa. He is turning 87. I also want to visit with my nana, who is not herself anymore, and just give her some good energy. She's become very senile and its so sad. I have a theory that she lost a good 15-20 years of quality life when she came down with a bad case of shingles the summer before I got pregnant. I am only grateful she was able to see/meet/hold beanie a few times before it got really bad.

Korea looks like it will be a much more interesting trip than usual; my companion will be coming from a casino in Atlantic City and it's the same gal I went all over Brazil with. She's just a kick in the pants. The bees knees. A hoot and a half. I am looking forward to it!

I will miss Beanie and the PF though. PF won't let me take her with me even though I only have about another 18 months to go before I have to actually start buying her a seat for herself...I'd totally love to go with her. Not to mention, you get on and off the plane first with a kid in tow. The Koreans I work with really want to meet her, they love her pictures.

I've been feeling sick the past two days. Right around 10 AM I don't know if I'm going to puke or crap. And then it passes and I'm fine and I forget about it. Except that it's going on 3 days now. I wonder if there is a moldy plant in our office? I will poke around. I am highly sensitive to airborne mold.

Beanie had a doctor appt today, a regular check up. I don't know if she is getting shots. She should be there right now. She lost some weight from all her antibiotics and meds and sickness, so I hope it didn't put her in a lower percentile. She's so teeny weenie. I hope they say her ear is unfunked too, but something about her ear smells "off" to me, so I have a feeling there's still a crumb left from the infection. The cough is finally gone though.

A good thing, because we are meeting my old pal Chie on Saturday morning and I just made plans with my pal Jenna for a play date with her two gorgeous gals. We don't want to pass the plague to anyone else, so we are on the fast track to Health. My kid will be in hog heaven at the Glama house, they have pugs and toys as well as one slightly older kid and one slightly younger one. She will be grinning like she did on Halloween, I have no doubt in my mind.

The next day, we go to Lydia's bday. Last year we all came down with colds and norovirus at it, but I think we beat them to the punch this time. I think we are all unsicked enough to attend and keep our immune systems boosted. PF picked out the cutest card.

We are the busiest freaking family...is this COMMON in toddler households??? You just go go go forever?

In more news: Elspeth can't say her own name, but she can sign for please and thank you and says "chocolate" and "snacky". For some reason, this always makes my day and I will stop everything to pick her up and feed her a hershey's kiss.

~Beanie's whack-job Mom

2007-02-26T13:17:00.000-08:00

How sick can one little kid get? I probably don't want to answer that.

Poor PF. He took care of her while I was in Jamaica on work, and apparently she just got worse and worse.

When they picked me up at the airport, she was listless, feverish, coughing with a rattle in her chest and barely able to hold her head up.

I rushed us to the ER stat. Poor baby. Her lungs were clear, but her ear/eye/upper respiratory/ and vocal cords were all infected with stuff. She ended up on antibiotic eyedrops and zithromax. We have also been giving her benedryl to dry up her poor nose.

You know you have a funny kid when her big joke is to blow booger bubbles and then "sneeze" (she says "ah choo." Not "aaahhh---CHOOO!" but "ah choo.") The cough is misery though. She will wake herself up at night crying for shhoosh (juice) or a ba ba (bottle). She is also still breastfeeding sometimes, especially when she's miserable.

PF is now sick too. I made him tea this morning and made him take vitamins all weekend. I'm pretty immune to the crap she gets sick from, but he's worn out.

Will this sick, sick year ever end?? When are their immune systems up and running?

Ugh.

I called her insurance. The ER visit is going to be quite a doozy since we haven't come close to her deductible yet. However, the bright side of that is, once we've paid it? They cover 70% of every visit after.

Still, it was worth it. I really thought she had RSV.

Poor darling beanie boo. Feel better.

2007-02-16T15:29:00.000-08:00

Pobracita.

Yesterday we found that that beanie has Roseola. We found out because I had PF google "Torso Toddler Rash" and boom, every symptom from the last 10 days popped up. Heart that google.

She's doing great now that she broke out in the rash, but I've been wanting to scream for about a week "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, CHILD???" And now I know. She wasn't just cranky and teething and febrile, she was viral and contagious.

It started with a fever on Thursday of last week. The fever went on and off for about 4 days, peaking on Sunday night when her daddy climbed into the tub and we swabbed her down for about 10 minutes with warm water (she was still pissed off and acting like she was freezing.) The fever was pretty high, the highest we measured was 102.3 axillary, whichs is about 102.8-103.3 F and that's about as high as I will go with a fever before acting on it. She'd been getting prudent amounds of infant tylenol and baby ibuprofen, but it wasn't lasting as long as the dose recommendations listed (which is why we were switching off when it got unreasonably uncomfortable looking for her.)

I hate driving all the way out to the pediatrician, and I know PF does too unless it's shots or urgent. Fevers just aren't urgent. If she'd has a seizure, sure. We'd freak out. But for the most part she was just cranky and clingy and sad and hot. And we cuddled her and kissed her and walked with her and held her and tempted her with cold soothing yums and tried to get her to drink loads of fluids. Of course, all SHE wanted was to nurse. And nurse. And I think I may finally have my boobs back now.

And we were unbelievably stressed out by this virus, may she never come down with a pox.

Long, long, long week. Pf and I need a break.

Next week I go to Jamaica for 4 days for work, but no one is going with me. Don't get excited, it's just Kingston. Not even a beach nearby.

But I'll take the next Friday off and hang out with my familia.

2007-02-14T10:39:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day, my valentiniest!!

2007-02-12T10:50:00.000-08:00

My poor baby girl is sick. She's been running a fever and coughing, is listless/has malaise, and appears to have a slight cough (could be leftovers from a runny nose type cold, but I dunno.) We gave her medicine and a cool/lukewarm bath last night to break a fever, but she ran high until around 5 AM this morning when she got out of bed in a delirium crying in the dark, and calling for "mama". My poor precious beanie! All she wants are bottles and to nurse. I'm all dried up and tired. We're exhausted at the house. This has been going on since roughly Thursday night, with relatively normal behavior during the day for the most part (maybe a little crankier than normal and more assertive/screechy when she wants soemthing, somewhat less interest in eating, but she did just finish a growth spurt during a nose cold.)

Top this new fun with my mom has pneumonia and I haven't called her all week and the fact that we just got our cat's bladder reconfigured again due to a really horrifying bladder infection/(now he's making bladder balls instead of crystals), and I've have a very expensive, sleepless, guilt ridden, miserable weekend. The only thing keeping me going is the PF, who is equally as disturbed and sleep deprived as me, even if he can't nurse the beanie into sleepy hot oblivion.

Weirdly, half the time, you'd never know she was sick. She has just been radiating heat with rosy cheeks and glassy eyes and not eating and listless at night, slightly coughing. Most of the day, she runs around like her normal self, wanting to play.

We seriously don't think it's a panic issue yet seeing as how she hasn't gone past 102 or 103 degrees F (which is really not that bad for a toddler according to the books), but every time I google "fever and cough and toddler" I get RSV and Pneumonia and The Flu. Which all of course scare the bejeezus outta me.

Anyway, PF just called me with an update. Looks like the fever has definitely broken and we are on the mend. Unless there is something going around that I should know about, and then definitely someone email me with news because I'm ready to go to the doctor any minute, but I would hate going all the way there only to be told there is nothing wrong (anymore.)

~Beanie's Worried, Sleepless Mom

2007-02-09T15:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday on NPR there was a story about a Harvard professor who studies fungi and is studying the Death Cap that is really prevalent in California coastal areas right now (note to self: don't eat mushrooms in the woods)

And I liked her so much, just from her scratchy voice and the sound of her throwing a certain fungus that pops and explodes, and how she loves the little mushroom because it's like an umbrella for the spores...so cute. I now secretly want Beanie to become a Mycobiologist. This is really kind of a weird thing. I once grabbed two random books when I was pregnant, one called Our Lady Of The Forest and the other called Dragon Bones, and both of them, BOTH OF THEM, featured mycobiologists predominantly, with the story going deeply into fungus and mushrooms. Intersting, non? I have a knack for doing weird stuff like that, picking two seemingly random books. And now PF is signing his emails with "plate of shrimp".

Nothing is really random. Which is why I am slightly sure I will play and win the lottery one day.

I've decided Beanie is not so much "gifted", but she is fXXXing funny. Yesterday she was practicing her F sounds "phhhh phh" and I say words like "finger" and "face" and last night? She said "Phhh phhhhhhfart." and then burst into giggles. Seriously, is there ANYTHING funnier than a well placed fart? I really do not know. Maybe equally funny, but not funni-ER. I prefer comic to genius any day of the week.

I think my fear that she is smart is because my mother used to brag about me and my sister to my aunt, who had 3 kids of her own, and apparently my mom never noticed her eye-rolling from my aunt, who can roll with the best of them. All three of my cousins are smarties, but they never went to college, and my aunt always said that her kids "weren't college material". ??? (trust me, the kids I went to school with were not much more than preschool material, so I have no idea what constitutes "college material" in this day and age). However, my mom envisioned and expected us, no, DEMANDED, that we all go to college and to grad school (but we had to pay for it) And we all did. My aunts kids are in infinitely less debt than all of us, so who's smarter now I wonder? Anyway, I don't want to push my kid and have these insanely high expectations for her.

Mycobiologists and prima ballerinas and world leaders aside. Please just be happy when you hear a fart.

Beanie, be you and be my darling.

2007-02-06T15:10:00.000-08:00

Beanie is a force of nature.

I stayed home on Friday because both she and PF were sick. Except her being sick? You wouldn't notice unless you realized her nose was leaking and her cheeks are rubbed raw from tissues. She can blow her own nose, but sometimes misses on the wipe-away. That's only truly exciting when you are eating eggs or something gloppy.

On Saturday I took her to Museum Day. We stopped into a big warehouse coffee place that's pretty new, and she LOVED how it echoes her ridiculously high pitched squeaks. It ain't opera, it's painful. But it's full of joy. How can you say "No!" ???
We say "Use your inside voice." I have no idea if she gets it, but she does seem to be overwhelmed with her own efforts in the car, so we are usually safe there. The coffeeplace? Echoed with Beaniness. I totally want to go back for their muffins too.

I also took her to The Discovery Museum. She loved it. I lost her about a million times because she raced around, doubled back, tripped up old people, and sat in little corners (like a miniature log cabin that I looked inside of 3X before I finally actually saw her grinning back at me by the little stove.) She's scary. I was thrilled for the plexiglass encased balconies, lemme tell ya. She tried to launch herself at stairwells and mannikins and cannon and museum case displays, but I managed to keep tabs on her for the most part. I thought she'd go to sleep.

Nope. So we headed to Hamburger Mary's. Where she ate only fries and stuck her hands in my salad a million times. She tried the burger, but I think my tyke is going to end up vegetarian or chickenarian. She just is not a fan of the Red, Red, Meat. I heart it mightily. Hamburger Mary's plumb tuckered her out.

She passed out in the car and we cut our Museum explorations short. That was fine, I was ex.haus.ted.

But the best part? Our friend who came with us and her son got to hear some of the Beanie Babble. Like her saying "cookie" and whining for a "sy-nack", or chanting "Ashes Ashes" and pointing out dogs and saying "eyes....fouf" for her eyes and mouth and the Wa wa wa Wheee she says like Borat. She has been running around yelling "e-i-e-i-oh" too, mostly because I like to sing that one. But Ashes Ashes....she grins and spins in circles until she falls down if you even MENTION rosies or posies. Hilarious.

We have also started time-outs.

Time outs are fun right now. She appears to really like them. Maybe we need to find The Uncomfy Chair. We've been using her little painted chair set and just moving it into the hallway for her to sit on for 30 seconds or more if she gets off the chair. She's got it down. She will sit for a minute or more and will ignore you and wave you away when you say "time out is over". Then, after awhile, she will peek around the wall at you to see if you are still there, and if you are? She runs back to sit on her chair. You basically have to lure her out with Ring Around The Rosie, and then she comes tearing out wanting to dance.

She's a kook.

2007-01-26T16:25:00.000-08:00

Kati Kim's story.

About made me cry my eyeballs out again.

And it made me think this: if I am ever lost with the PF in some backwoods podunk town, I'LL be the one who goes in for instructions on how to get where we're supposed to be going. I have this dreadful feeling that James entered the palookaville gas station to get instructions and was treated like a foreigner who didn't speak English and therefore never got the proper instructions on how to get where he is going.

Part of me still aches for this family, but not as bad as the day I found out they were missing and then the day I found out he was dead. A lot of people have commented recently on how weirded out I was during that week. It seriously affected me. I may be a bit less innocent now because of it, it was that humbling for me.

I also felt that MAYBE he had a strong, strong spirit, and it lingered until he was sure his family was safe, affecting a lot of people with his passing on. Maybe that's just my weird belief in ghosts.

But no matter what, the whole family will always be heroes to me.

Kati recently replaced the little umbrella. It belonged to her daughter. When she did it, her kid asked if she was sad that she no longer has a husband. Kati said she was definitely sad, and her 4 year old said "Don't worry, I'll take care of you now."

Goddamn. I want to cuddle them all in a hug of grace and peace.

2007-01-15T13:03:00.000-08:00

I got a little carried away with my last post on how I am anti-anorexia. I may go back and edit it because, even for me, it's pretty hateful. And I ain't saying I don't hate some people.

Part of me thinks I should explain why:

I think anorexics are thoroughly dishonest people.
I think anorexics influence others and promote their disorder, and they are helped by media and tabloids.
I think anorexics don't want help, they only want to be thin.
I think anorexics tend to be sanctimonious about their calories, and they spread their controlled, conscious non-eating like an insidious virus.

I realize these are my opinions of them. I think they are fooling themselves. I think that what scares me about them is that they are successful at maintaining their disordered eating because of the mass media support (even in the guise of nonsupport) I sincerely do not want to be part of any anorexic's life or lifestyle, and do not want them around my daughter.

Happy Happy Happy Body Image Model:

2007-01-12T10:58:00.000-08:00

I should get it out now. I desPISE anorexics. And I have nothing against naturally thin people, I'm only a little jealous of them. It's the near-religious sanctimoniousness and ultimate selfish self destruction of the phenomenon that is disordered eating that disgusts me. And for what it's worth, I think overeating, binging, all of it, is disgusting as well. But anorexics? They are the ones who make me really mad, because they are the ones most people idolize. I think you should be allowed to starve to death if you truly want to, but I don't think you should be considered glamorous and fashionable while doing it.

Today the fashion industry came out with some "suggestions" for women who are models. Basically so that they don't continue to be seen as catering to a death-by-anorexia culture. However, they totally are (for the models anyway), and I'm okay with it. Part of me wants them to just get it over with and hurry up and die. The world is not a worse-off place when these vapid, cellularly deprived women are not in it.

I think that anyone who wants to be really skinny should be really skinny. As long as someone continues to make cool clothes for people with more normal bodies, I'm okay with the fashion industry's skinny chicks who die stupidly. I am sincerely okay if people voluntarily starve themselves to death. I think the money spent on rehabilitating people who refuse to eat should be better spent on public education supplementation (like 4th R afterschool care and music/drama/art programs) for inner cities and other intellectual pursuits that are ridiculously underfunded because we as a society continue to try to save the undeserving.

Anyone who coddles the pathetic self destruction should stop, because the anorexics are the only one who can make themselves eat, and if they don't? Not a big loss. Literally. Yes, I obviously cannot stand people who refuse to eat. I think they are disgusting abominations and an insult to people around the world who do not have enough to eat. You should only be starving if there is a famine, and not until. It sounds so cruel, but call it what it is: Starvation Disordered. They are starving and it ain't beautiful, and they have messed up brains and will refuse to eat even if you force feed them. Why spend the money trying to fix them?

That said, I sincerely do not think the fashion industry has anything to say about it. Maybe we should look at fashion as art more than a statement of function? Or maybe, just maybe, they should make things for normal sized people if they want to have a runway show that features people who can wear the clothes in real life?

Surrounding yourself in an envelope of obesity is also not healthy, but at least it can be fixed by diet and exercise. You can only get so fat before it takes someone else to enable your behavior (ie., feed you, bathe you, change your diapers.) I find that to be much more tolerable in a person than someone who will not eat food or who obsesses about food. Caloric counting of healthy, wholesome foods is acceptable to me, but only for regulating a portion size and staying within a normal number that will maintain your body's functions.

My daughter will be taught that being overly fat is likely unhealthy but changeable and that being unnaturally thin is ugly and painful and embarrassing. I hope it never happens with her, because I want to give her the tools for success and how to honor herself and cherish her humanity and enjoy life as much as possible. I'm a little scared that other mothers aren't failing at that, but their daughters screw it up anyway. I am going to try not to coddle self-loathing and I'm taking a stance now. She will probably think I am cruel and unbending and a meanie for making her taste creme brulee and chocolate...

She will be taught to eat the wholesome foods we feed her, balanced, tasty, normal calories. She currently eats until she is full and no more. I hope to emulate her portion choices. I hope to continue in this fashion. There is a lot to be learned from a toddler. Thank you, Beanie. You are my inspiration.

And one day you are going to tell people your mommy is mean because she made you eat creme brulee.

2007-01-09T09:20:00.000-08:00

My lovely office coworkers are going to starbucks to save me from my insanity. I was desperate for coffee, too. The machine upstairs is broken and I'm sipping a nescafe instant cup of coffee. Horrible. I'm powering through. Ahhhh, blessed May and her cup o'java with cream.

My daughter was so adorable last night it killed me. She's taken to climbing on our "big person" chair by the xmas tree (note to self: hurry and get storage for the ornaments so you can take them down and chuck the tree.) She tries so hard to swing a leg up, and then cries when she can't, so I put a pillow down and she can get up and down by herself. She just sits there and grins like she's a big ol' person who can relax in the chair. She doesn't do anything, she just sits and surveys. Like a grinning, contented queen. Like a cat who ate a bird and didn't get caught.

The other thing she started doing was gently bouncing on the couch. It's a couch our friend Alisha gave us, it's totally kid friendly and bounceable. Our daughter gets such a kick out of the bouncing part. I almost can't wait until she discovers actual "Jumping On The Couch", although part of me dreads the idea of split lips and more eyebrow bruises.

She's using more words now. I swear she was saying "Joyous" the other day in Oakland, as my friend's daughter is named Joyous. She also says "cook!" for "cookie". My daughter still uses "yes" all the time. The appropriate affirmative has been around for 3 full months. "do you want a cookie, beanie?" "Cook? yeshhh!" "can you hold Seamas's leash?" "YESSSH!!! YESH YESH YESH!"
Another new one that is funny as hell is the "uh oh!" I may have said it 3X since she's been toddling and will take food off on a toddly little run, said food often drops. "Uh oh!" If I hear "uh oh" in another room, I run to see what happened. She's usually opening drawers and/or trying to put a CD in the CD player.

I do not know what is normal. Sometimes I secretly think my kid is advanced, other times I think she's normal. Is it normal for a kid to understand pretty complex sentences? Is it normal for a kid at 16 months to engage with other kids in play? Is it normal for a kid her age to pretend to make and eat pretend food? With soundbites? I have no idea. I realized I don't hang out with a lot of little kids. Beanie recently had a playdate with a 4 year old boy. He came in, went to every toy in her house, played with it, and ignored her. The whole time, she was apparently trying to pat him, hug him, and show him things she liked. She brought him snacks. She worked REALLY hard to engage this kid. I don't know if that is normal, or if the 4 year old playing in his own boy world was normal. I do know that my daughter loves sparkly things, and totally got into the play dress up game and climbed up to push buttons on the computer at my friend's house (she can find any power on/off button, and can reset your VCR so fast you never know what happened, or how to get the new display to exit on the TV/Computer/whatever.) She has the most incredible sense of humor. I planned that, it's the one thing I said I cared about when I was pregnant and everyone said "your kid will be so cute." She's cute, but she's hysterical. The things she finds funny are really funny. Farting and fart noises, for example. Ducks walking. Daddy's nose hairs. Pushing buttons.

My daughter has finally discovered "dancing". She's always been a singer/hummer of tunes I do not know, but the dance has been very slow to arrive. The dance is circular spotting, where she will whip her head around last. It's very gentle movements, shoulders first and head and neck last. I remarked to the PF that Beanie looked like a teeny Martha Graham. He asked "who is Martha Graham again?" She swaggers in her dances, and then takes off tripping across the room like a slow rocket launcher just sent her out into space warily.

My daughter is rarely unhappy. When she is, it can go for hours, but the joy of her every day? Makes it all worth it. She apparently had a horrible tantrum on Friday night, our poor friend didn't call us, she tried to work it out on her own. What a trooper! The tantrums are not happening during the day, but there is definite fussing at night. Which means I still offer her a breast to calm her down. Which means I'm still not on lipitor and metformin. Which also means I am not ovulating.

Which means no more babies yet. Which is fine, since I'm pretty thrilled with the way that Beanie is turning out. This parenting adventure is a lot of fun, and full of really amazing discoveries daily. I never knew how much joy there was in being a kid when I was a kid, because I was living it. Now I live vicariously through Beanie's discoveries. I worry that I will try to push her in a direction when she's older, I already find myself urging her to use musical instruments that may be too old for her. I really enjoy being a mommy, though I don't know if I could do it full time anymore, as I really like work and coming home to a squealing little bean of joy who is always happy to see me. She's amazing. How did we get so lucky?

2007-01-08T13:36:00.000-08:00

Children of Men was brilliant in an end-of-the-world dystopia redux kind of way. If you liked bladerunner, soylent green, logan's run, handmaid's tale, that sort of thing, you will likely love it. If you really enjoy the art of cinematography and are amazed by incredibly choreographed long cuts that seem to never end and are nearly seamless, you will be amazed. If you like good, simple stories and the urgency in good suspense/thrillers, you will be on the edge of your seat.

The CGI was the only bad thing about it, and it was totally understandable why they used it. To be fair, my dad and brother didn't even notice the part I'm referring to, but PF and I were both "terrible."

My next movie adventure is probably going to be Pan's Labyrinth because it looks amazing. Maybe 2007 will be known for some seriously good flicks?

In other news, I went to Oaktown yesterday to visit a good friend. I took 680 to 24 to 580 (per my copied down instructions) and was looking for Oakland Avenue, and then suddenly I was facing the bay bridge, and I zipped over to what I thought was the West Grand exit, only to be in the BUS LANE ONLY/$271 Violation lane. Ugh. But I didn't panic. I just sucked it up, made it to Treasure Island and turned around. I found my destination (Oakland Avenue was the same as Harrison, but I missed it completely on the way to the bridge bc 24 amazingly enough drops you AFTER those exits. I didn't realize it until I went back that way to get home.) When I was parking, I scraped my door panel on the wooden garage. It was soft, so it didn't take the paint off, but PF will likely be buffing and cursing my name and driving idiocy trying to get it less noticeable. Other than that, my day was great! Spent time with an old college pal and her lovely 4 year old. Beanie dressed up like an African Princess (sari cloth, tiara, mardi gras beads, butterfly metallic stickers all over her face) and they danced around to us singing Ring Around The Rosie. We also went to Merritt Lake gardens/park/bird sanctuary and wandered around. Pretty lovely day. Minus the scrape and the 271 dollar ticket I am dreading in the mail.

Good weekend. I didn't do laundry, so now I am out of pants.

2007-01-05T13:58:00.000-08:00

We are going to see Cuaron's Children of Men tonight. It's an adaptation of PD Jame's book of the same name. I am kinda mad at the PF because he posted a link to the Giant Robot discussion of this film, which led me to the wikipedia synopsis, which sucked because it is full of spoilers. I'm sure it's not the entire encapsulation of the movie (or the book), but it still made me cry a little. Damn, I'm an emo wreck of a woman when it comes to babies and hope.

I think it's because I finally had one of my own. She means the world to me, to us. She is an amazing little spark of hope and good. Except when she speaks in her demonic tuvan throat singer voice, which sounds like a beatle's record played backwards.

Kids ARE eternity. They ARE the godlink. They ARE a piece of you and yours handed down for posterity. Hopefully they take care of you when you get old, but not likely. Mine is a reincarnated Tuvan, what are the odds?

2007-01-03T09:42:00.000-08:00

This is a very touching story about how the Kim family has mobilized many artists and crafters to create a channel for their collective grief, an online auction that will benefit Kati Kim and her girls. I am constantly amazed at how much people can come together. This isn't something that can be fixed, but it can be ameliorated.

I just pledged money for some art that excites me, and that means I am too broke to buy the auction items. I did donate to the Kim Family Trust after they were found to defray some of the rescue costs. Kati has stated that she has been left with enormous debt, most of their extra resources were sunk into their two little shops, and she had never pulled a paycheck from either of them. Which means that I will be shopping there every time I am in SF, and hopefully other people will too.

In any case, it's a slightly happier new year than last year. This one I am imagining hope and forcing it out of my eyes into the stratosphere. I'm hoping for amazing things.

Beanie finally received her little french kitchenette from Oompa toys. PF put it together in no time flat, and we set it up cleverly in a spot she used to like to climb, but now the climbing/reaching area is obscured by
_The***Exciting Kitchen***_!!! Of Joy!!!
She made us lots of yums yesterday. I tasted so much imaginary soup, I got full.

I am hoping for a good, good year. Starting in February, it's the year of the boar. That is supposed to be a lucky year for me, since I am a boar.

We are all farm animals at our house: Horse, Pig, Chicken.

Barring more sad events that are inevitable as we are merely mortals briefly on this earth, I am excited for what this year can bring.

I'm mostly excited about UFOs at O'Hare Airport, but that's another story.

Cheers!

ooooo tanenbaum

2006-12-26T15:25:00.003-08:00

ooooo tanenbaum
Originally uploaded by Beanie's Mom.

Xmas eve (night)

Wandering, Ambling

2006-12-26T15:25:00.001-08:00

Wandering, Ambling
Originally uploaded by Beanie's Mom.

Xmas eve (day)

Post Xmas Presents

2006-12-26T15:24:00.001-08:00

Post Xmas Presents
Originally uploaded by Beanie's Mom.

crashed post xmas

Flickr

2006-12-26T15:23:00.001-08:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

2006-12-22T15:45:00.001-08:00

I cannot believe this year is almost over. Where did it go?

ugh.

I think the lack of extra days is making me melancholy.

2006-12-15T11:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we took Beanie to pose with Santa.

Last year this went well.

This year, it was hard to find an appropriate dress (I think since Santa wears red, kids should wear contrasting colors.) I found a green corderoy jumper with a nice little mock Tee long sleeved onsie at Sears. It's made in China. I'm sure a 4 year old sewed it together. But I couldn't stomach paying 50+ bucks on something at Gymboree or it's more expensive store across the way. There was nothing at Baby Gap. Nothing at any of the stores in the mall. I don't have time to peruse boutiques. This is one of the few things I do not relish about Sacto. The more I need things, the more I realize just how low on choice we are. So, I settled. My kid looked adorable.

She screamed on Santa's lap. The first shot he looks bemused and calm. The second shot he is laughing his ass off. This is because my kid is screaming so loudly, she was worrying the other kids in line. We'd been in line for 2 hours, she was hungry, and the last time she'd met Santa was on the Yuletide Express (runs from Old Sac to about 2 miles down the river, totally great kid thing.) I shoulda remembered.

At first, everything was fine. She was excited, she was chattering, she was patting heads and flirting with strangers. Then the Jingle Bell singers came down the aisles playing guitars and mandolins and whooping it up. She clapped and squealed.

Then Santa made his appearance.

And he tried to pick up Beanie. She started thrashing in this panicked way, so I grabbed her up and took two shots of Gina's boys, who actually ENJOY Santa.

Back to yesterday's harrowing Mall Santa experience: the pictur with Santa is so funny, I'm not posting it. I'm going to scan it, take it to Target, and make xmas cards with the PF this weekend. Check your mailboxes.

xo and Merry Xmas,
Amy

2006-12-12T11:19:00.000-08:00

So, I'm still following the Kim case, as every day new information unfolds that shocks me to the core. That said, Kati recently posted a reply on Yelp that made me feel better. I hate that someone who has lost something so great could make ME feel BETTER! How ridiculous. I can't talk about it anymore, because there has been a moratorium on it at our house.

I will blab about pleasant things.

Like the fact there is a lull in my work right now, so I can peruse the internet at will today.

Like the fact that my daughter pads out into the dining room all sleepy-eyed and cute looking for me because she NEEDS TO BE WITH ME AWAKE before I leave for the day. Very rarely is this kid still sleeping when I leave. She MUST be in my arms for Banana Time. And Make A Bottle Time. And Nunu time. Fat chance that, my attempts to wean. Almost 16 months, and she can STILL get me to pull out my boobs at a restaurant for silencio.

Aw little droobage, I loves you so much.

2006-12-07T09:26:00.000-08:00

The Kim family tragedy hit me hard. I stare at his picture and see my PF, sweet, gentle. I can't imagine what would happen if we lost him. I can relate too much to this story. Poor Kati, Poor little girls and poor James.
This is a great memoriam done by CNET. The guy was obviously truly sweet and lived for love and family. Heartcrushing.

Two doves upon the selfsame branch
Two doves upon the selfsame branch,
Two lilies on a single stem,
Two butterflies upon one flower :--
O happy we who look on them.

Who look upon them hand in hand
Flushed in the rosy summer light ;
Who look upon them hand in hand
And never give a thought to night.

~Christina Rosetti

2006-12-04T15:35:00.000-08:00

THEY FOUND KATI KIM AND HER GIRLS! She flagged down a helicopter that her husband's family had rented for the search.

Mein Gott.

I cannot explain how much this whole story affected me. She's just a yelp pal, but I have read her blog. I like how she thinks. I'm so sad for her harrowing week, but so glad they survived! She survived being stranded in the snow in the middle of nowhere, with a 7 month old nursing baby and a 4 year old! Fucking amazing. I am BURSTING with happiness tempered with trepidation as they haven't found her husband yet. I am going to listen to the live broadcast of the 5 PM PST news conference.

Kati Kim may very well be my new personal hero.

It's wrenching to think that her husband is still out there. He left them 2 days ago to seek help. Terrifying and brutal.

Please please please let them find James alive.

2006-12-04T10:14:00.000-08:00

I'm on edge today.

I came home from Peru with some kind of intestinal parasite (possibly picked up 6 days earlier in Chile or Brazil, no idea). I think it was 6 days earlier mainly because Beanie came down with something 6 days after I got home, and we don't know what we are dealing with. However, I got my doc to prescribe flagyl and that seems to be working. Sucks though.

I both hated and loved Chile. I hated the food, I hated the spooky coal mines I toured, but I loved some of the people. Chile stands out because of the mines and the creepiness and the pictures I took on flickr that creep me out. But Brazil was much nicer overall. Peru was lovely once I gave it a chance, I actually got to stay in a nice hotel (but I was so jumpy from Chile I barely noticed.)

I am terribly worried about a family I do not even know. I finally paid attention to a story that has been running for about 2 days now (that I've noticed) and it turns out that a Yelp.com friend of mine has gone missing with her husband and two small daughters. Ugh. I only recognized who it was because I recalled a picture she had posted on Yelp and her daughter is very recognizable. I panicked, woke up the PF, and put my sick little beanie down to check yelp for her profile. Sure enough, she's the one everyone is talking about. So sorry for their family! I hope they were traveling with lots of extra water and blankets in case they got snowed in. You never know what can be survivable...Kati K and family, come home safe and sound!!!

In any case, my stomach has been revved up and my microbes are running full tilt. I think it's because I'm upset about this family's disappearance. Everyone be safe and much love ya.

2006-11-15T19:01:00.000-08:00

I'm in Chile. I got in yesterday afternoon from Rio De Janeiro. I'm a regular jet setter these days.

Except EVERY FUCKING COMPANY we work with set us up in crappy hotels. I find it fishy when every single office regretfully informs me their "best" hotels in town are "full". Um, EVERY CITY? I went to Curitiba. We were supposed to stay in the Blue Tree (5 stars). We got sent to the Sheraton (my sheets were dirty with chocolate I am hoping.) Black Eyed Peas were there. My client rode down in an elevator with Fergie, so her opinion of the place is biased towards positive. Good for me, but I'd still like better places. Then we had a 5 hour layover to Belo Horizonte. We got there at 4 AM in the rain. I was exhausted. The hotel tried to make me pay in advance. ??? I yelled at the man behind the counter. I probably got the shittiest room ever because of it. I woke up 3 hours later to get to my presentation, and they wouldn't let me leave without paying, so I paid 85 bucks to take a nap. I didn't check the bed, but the bathroom sucked. In Rio, we were also delayed, but I emailed the office in advance to check our arrival. More rain, we got to our hotel. It was NOT the Sheraton. We stayed as some place in Ipanema. Cool beach, beautiful surf. Food was great in Rio. But I lost (and found) my passport and had sand in my bed (not from me! I was so freaked out about the dirty sheets I couldn't sleep, had itchy skin, and when I tried to take a shower, the water was cold :o( but other than that, I loved Rio.)

Then I came to Chile. Chile has shitty food. Literally. They eat a lot of blood sausage and intestines. They eat fucking COW'S UDDER! Yes. I took a bite thinking they meant chicken breast. Sick.

I miss mi nina. I miss mi bebe so much. It hurts. I cry a little every time I take out a picture. She's on my desktop. With my dog. Who I miss every time I see a street doggy scrounging in the trash for some food.

I miss my sweetest PF too. I miss him so much, I can taste it. My throat hurts when people ask me if I'm married, because we aren't, but we are as good as. I call him Mi Esposo because nobody here understands "partner". In fact, my first hotel room in Chile was two broken down twin beds. Because the guy who made my arrangements apparently made me sound like his mistress, so they gave me a room with two twins just to make a point. Called a "Brother Sister" room. Shitty.

He fixed it when he saw it, I got a big queen bed. I was so tired, I didn't care. But I do mind being thought a whore. Fuck that. Jerkasses. Get some global awareness why don'tcha. I do not want to be your model for change, but USE ME IF I'M HERE. Business. Woman. Apprendes.

But I kinda hate Chile. Pablo and Isabelle, you chicos are CRAZY muthas. This place sucks buttholes. I did, however, get an awesome mani/pedi, massage, and a cool-ish Mrs. Brady haircut for under 80 bucks. I started humming the brady bunch theme, but it was lost on my hairdresser, an ultracool gay Chilean with fake eyelashes. I shit you not.

I'm hoping Peru is better all around. I need a SUPERB hotel room, and I need some seriously delicious food that rivals what I had in Curitiba, Belo and Rio.

I seriously wish my baby was here. Oh mia chiquita, jo te saudade mas...

2006-11-03T14:38:00.000-08:00

From the Babycenter.com email for 14 months, 2 weeks:

Observe a group of 14-month-olds at the park and you'll note that they're basically loners. Socializing isn't really toddlers' thing, and at this age your child is unlikely to do anything more than engage in parallel play, during which he and his companions play side by side but don't interact — unless it's to grab whatever object another child is playing with

WTF?

My kid must be sociable. Sure, she shies away from the loud big lout of an uncle (plus, he smells sort of smoky all the time), but for the most part? My kid goes up to other kids to show them things. She touches kids who have boo boos, or comes to get me if one cries. She points and chatters at them, and touches their faces.

I guess that is parallel play, but she is also interacting. So is it "play-play?" I mean, dude, my undergrad degree was in cognitive development. I know little kids play next to each other. But SOMETIMES, just sometimes, a precocious one will interact, or try to. I may have a slightly precocious kid, she walked at 11 months, she tries to say "good morning" and kisses us to wake us up, she has a lot of words (that only we understand) and she mimics everything. She also likes to be around kids. No shy violet, ours.

One friend corrected me multiple times that my kid doesn't "really play" with other kids. Sorry, but yes, she does. In crowds, sure, she's overwhelmed by people and sort of acts stunned by attention. But put her in with a group of strange kids at the playground, and she's holding their hands, pointing, giving and receiving hugs, staring wistfully at the slides and swings...but ignore other kids like they are toys? Hardly. She chatters at them and laughs and hugs them. The only time she looks shocked is when they knock her down and she flails and gets back up. Which always makes me think of that dumb song "I get knocked down, but I get up again..." blah blah.

I will take some pics. Should be interesting.

Me, my friend Kim and two 1-year-olds.

Grilled cheese and turkey with tomato soup is on the menu.

Can't wait!

We have our first official "play date" tomorrow. They will play with Beanie's toys, and they are roughly the same age (3 weeks apart, the closest "playmate" she's ever had.) I always call Sage and Sadie her 'Best Friends', but that's mostly because I love their moms and we do fun things together when we are around each other. All three babies get along together, and play. Sort of. My kid has never been on an actual "play date" except birthday parties and holidays, which tend to be crowded, but she's still pretty sociable. The only really challenging interaction she gets with other kids is at those times, or when we go to the park. So this whole thing is going to be an experiment in one-on-one play.

And I'm just going to drink coffee and watch.

2006-11-01T11:21:00.000-08:00

The Bean went trick or treating last night in East Sacramento.

She didn't get a huge haul, but enough to satisfy her dad's tootsie roll tooth and mom has quite a few bubblegums to chew on. She also got a twinkie. That excited me.

Every reeses peanut butter cup or m&m peanut bag that went into her pumpkin, I made a mental note about. Part of me thinks it's crazy to hand out peanut candies, but part of me is still hoping the peanut allergies are still really rare. We let her suck on her lollipops and she had a swedish fish and part of a tootsie roll.

The kid was ecstatic. She would toddle toward the door, stare at it, and say "Yessshhh!" when they answered, waving her little pumpkin candy holder.

Anyway, she was cute. She was a fairy. But she's so tiny, her skirt and her wings had to be clipped and tightened. She's more Thumbelina than Fairy.

This one is really cute too...

A Good Time.

As every Halloween should be.

:o)

2006-10-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm home from Korea. South Korea.

Some things I learned: the US FTA with Korea is totally unfair. We allow them to export their cars, technology, phones, etc. but in return, THEY have to take our agricultural exports. And they are a very agri-friendly country, so they grow plenty of stuff on their own! The farmers were practically rioting outside the capitol one day, because they can't sell their stuff, and they have to sell it for a LOT more than the US imported stuff. So, when you are in SKorea, you are eating California grown rice, midwestern soy products, beef and dairy from the beef and dairy states, and the only stuff they actually grow in S Korea and sell to Koreans is sweet potato and cabbage. That's it, pretty much. There is also a thriving organic sector in South Korea. But I think the trade agreement we have with South Korea is for shite. A Ford, with all of the tarrifs attached to it thanks to all the tarrifs we place on them, costs as much as a Jaguar. They do that to keep Fords out, because a) American cars are crap and b) we pull that shit on them as well.

There are 3 generations of Koreans. The ones who fought in the war, the ones who were raised during the "cold war", and the ones who started school in the 1980s. The fighters are very conscious of the fact that they have "family" and blood ties in North Korea; they want reunification. The cold war/baby boomer generation (40-60 year olds) do not trust the North, but think food should be sent, and that's about it. They would reunify if the North accepted everything the South believes in. The weirdest generation is the youngest. The 8-39 year olds. They believe that the north is a stagnant culture, steeped in harmless communist rhetoric, that they are poor harmless people and they feel sorry for them, but could care less if the people in the North are ever reunified. They feel no ties to them. They also feel incredibly safe; the other two generations? Not so much. It was kind of a surprise.

I'm more of the 3rd generation, I don't think of North Korea as much of a threat. But I am dead wrong. They are a seriously messed up country. The people ARE starved and poor, but the ones who get fed are in the military, and the children are totally brainwashed. Also, they are under pain of death if they try to explore the southern coast or try to escape. It's bad. The regime is horrid.

The rest of my trip went well. I missed my beanie and my PF desperately. I would love to go back to Asia with them, maybe take a hopper to Hong Kong or Shanghai. The roads to China from Korea are pretty open nowadays. I think getting a Visa is pretty tough going, though.

Next week I need to go to the Brazillian consulate for my Visa. I'm FINALLY going to Curitiba. This is after mythologizing the city for a good 10+ years after learning about Jaime Lerner and the mecca of Urban Planning.

It's another week away from my bean, but I need to do it for work. She will understand eventually. Someday I may even take her with me on a business trip. How fun would that be, my darling beanie boo? You could play in the sands of Rio De Janeiro or Jeju Island.

Now I have that Salinger poem in my head:

Dance Along The Silv'ry Sands
and Beat The Turtle Drum...
That Youth May Last Forever,
and Sorrow Ne'er Come.

I have quite a few pics of my trip. I will upload them this weekend when I get a chance.

So glad to be home....

~The Beanie Mommy

2006-10-18T11:01:00.000-07:00

Oh my beanie buddha.

I love you.

2006-10-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

Haiku Beanie

Sneaky little baby girl,
You wake up at five.
that's killing me every time...

She wakes up. Silently. And if she doesn't slide off the bed to pad through the house, she is pulling up my shirt squeaking "eh eh eh" until I wake up enough to give over my nunu or she figures it out herself and latches on. Once, through my PJs. Weird wet spot in the morning. She wanders in the darkness and doesn't cry out. Sometimes Daddy finds her and plugs her with a bottle. Is she hungry? Is she having growth spurt pains? It's pretty regular, like night hormones are. My theory is a jolt of growth hormone.

Tried to buy a slide at Toys R Us. Had the roughest time. All I want: a toddler slide for indoors that folds in half and can be stored in a freaking closet. Something she can climb, but not too high that if she wipes out it's a trip to the ER. Man. What the hell is wrong with Toys R Us? They are lame as lame can be. I got the most ridiculously bad customer service, I can't begin to describe it. I am going to try to find it at Target today.

And I just want a slide so that I can guarantee exercise for the kid, especially when it's too wet outside to go for walks. Part of me says "we oughtta start trying for another one in March" and the other part of me says "Why hurry? we have enough on our plate..." A baby right now? Would put me in an insane asylum. But I miss being prego. I miss my round little belly with the little pops and starts, punches and hiccups happening in secret. I don't miss the hip pain or the pubic shear or the sleepless nights when it was too hot for me to even sweat, but I miss everything up to that point. Sigh. Another little baby butt to pinch and pat, a tum to kiss on, a neck to snuggle... So, maybe we will try again? Beans is still pretty cute...we could wait awhile.

I go to Korea for 2 weeks again on Sunday. Part of me? Looking forward to it for various reasons. Like the one that says "if you go to sleep, you can stay asleep." Except that I woke up at 5 AM expecting to nurse a kid last time I was there. Every morning. Another reason says "2 weeks? WEANIE BEANIE!" Wean that little sucker. By force. Another reason? I will earn 4 days off by giving up some weekend action. And it's not like it's hard to be in Korea: last time, I walked all over, ate lightly and lost 3 lbs that I managed to keep off. So far total weight loss since July trip: 5 lbs and counting. It's very hard.

But it will be another 6 lbs off if I play it right.

So, there are tons of reasons to go.

And of course, the best reasons in the world not to go: PF and Beanie boo.

However, I know that she's in good hands and that he will survive without me. It's me who will be hurting for them...

But I'll drown my sorrows in sightseeing and good cognac and Bibimbap.

After my Korea trip, I head to the Brazilian consulate for a visa. I will be heading an orientation trip down there, and doing presentations.

Another week away from my beanie. I would actually love to take her with me. And the PF. I'd drag him too. I'd figure out a long-term stay with a trusted friend for Seamas and the "cTats!" and loan out my frogs to a preschool or something.

I am trying to score a year abroad for me and my familia. Won't happen for awhile, but wouldn't that be awesome? We could all live for cheap in Brazil. Serious cheap. And it wouldn't be awkward, like it might be in Uber Whitey Eastern Europe, the other countries we work with are quite racially homogenous. I'd be fine. PF? Would get killed in Eastern Europe. I keep having scary dreams of him being snapped in half by a freakishly large, stupid, drunken Ukrainian. So, we will avoid. But Brazil?

It's quite common to find kids named Joao-Carlos Fukukawa Chong Bastille Marone Moreira. And he might be dating a kid named Mitsuo "Mitzie" Smith Shigekaga Perreira Haagen Beck. You just never know. They have the longest names in the world, those Brazilian kids. Beanie, whose name is Elspeth Lorelei, would be an outlier merely from the fact that her name is so short.

I would probably be very happy in Brazil. For awhile.

Beans, I will be home before Halloween. I promise you, my little Treat.

2006-10-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

Beanie killed us last night. She's been passing out around 9 PM, which is nice. I take her to bed with me. We sleep great. Until 1 or 2 AM when she wakes up and tries to do her rounds in the room or find her toys. Or she pounds and kicks on me or her dad until we wake up.

Last night I was so beat from only a few hours the night before and a bad backache, I begged her dad to take her into the living room. At some point he came back with her and thought she would sleep. No cigar. She was awake. I kicked them both out again. He's so exhausted. He can barely talk. I feel bad for him, but I need to get up early and go. It takes me fully 20 minutes in heavy traffic until I get to my secret commute street. Today I nearly crashed because I'm freakin' tired!!

Part of me thinks she needs a crib, but then how much sleep would I get if she screams from the other room? Not to mention, we live in apartments. My neighbors would be none too thrilled if that happened at 2 AM. I'm happy to continue sharing our bed until she's 6, but she has to SLEEP. She is NOT conforming to the Attachment Parenting/Cosleeping/No Schedule program. And it's kicking my ass right now. I need encouragement that it will "pass" soon, or that she's just in need of a "drink" in the wee hours...

Around 2:47 AM, she started calling out for "Juice". I woke him up brusquely, and Dad got it and I fell back to sleep. When I woke up around 6:30 AM, she was hot in her fleece sleeper. I unzipped it. By 7 AM when I got up, I knew she had a fever. When she actually woke up around 7:30 AM, I gave her some tylenol and got her a bottle of milk. By the time I headed for work, her fever had broken and she was sucking her bottle like she'd been sleeping in a desert.

I also looked up "getting toddlers to sleep" online. Most of those folks with good advice are not co-sleepers; they are talking about cribbed kids, so it doesn't apply right now. Most of the moms who are cosleepers don't work right now, so they are able to stay home with their late morning sleepy toddlers and can afford to stay up incredibly late. They talked about weaning. I have weaned her pretty much, except for her night night nunu and her early morning "nunu rape". She jumps me in her sleep when I'm sleeping and I often wake up with my shirt around my neck with her snugged up next to me. Actually, it could be me turning toward her in my sleep, but whatever. Weaning is probably not going to happen until she gets her own bed. But if she wakes up screaming, what do we do? I need my rest. I have TRIED to get her up early and to bed at a late enough time on the weekends, with enough napping to keep her fortified during my busy days with her. She's always pretty easygoing. It's the weekdays that suck ass.

We've always had a pretty good night sleeper. She has always been a light napper and a heavy sleeper, even as a tiny baby, minus some semi-colicky nights. She's always slept with us and until about 1 year old, didn't wake in the middle of the night more than just for a sleepy extra night nursing.

I'm going to keep a sippy cup full of water by the bed for her if she wakes up again. I will post if that helps us at all, because this has got to end.

I've never been a cranky sleeper, but I'm running full days of work/home life on about 4-5 hours, if that, a night. It's got me seriously moody. On top of that, I think my back is PMSing. Good for my hormones, bad for PF, who probably takes the brunt of my sleepy PMS aggravation. He's a good man. But my demand still stands: if the kid gets up, so does the parent who stays home. Period. PMS or no PMS.

2006-10-04T10:13:00.001-07:00

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I lost my entire post!

I had posted about how we are still getting over colds and I am sick of my snot. Beanie is also making an awful lot still, and she won't let you wipe it.

Moe told me this past weekend (before we all headed to Apple Hill for our first excursion there this year!!) about a friend who sucked snot out of her infant's nose and then spit it out. I viscerally felt ill just from imagining that. I'm part horrified, part fascinated. I keep shoving Beanie's snotty face at her dad saying "Suck her nose out, c'mon, do it!!!" but he ignores me. This is because Beanie will actually blow into a tissue.

It's still hard to get her nose area clean, though. Babies just don't care if they have a boogie wavering in the breeze. They don't care if streams of snot are heading to their top lip. Luckily, Beanie is not a taster, because I'd gag. But she really hates having her nosie wiped. We tend to REALLY get it done in the shower, or after a bath when she is sleeping and you can dig a little. I personally cannot stand breathing around embedded crud, so I am projecting that onto my little daughter and will clean it out as soon as I think she is deeply asleep. Forget nasal bulb aspirators, by the way. Those are no good once they hit 1 month and can writhe. Sometimes when she is awake, we wipe as mush as we can and then try to bulb it, but you only get one nostril and you have to WWF her down.

One of the funniest things she started doing, besides the face I posted above (that's been her "face" for about 3 months now), is stand in the middle of the room making that face and "blowing" snot bubbles and snot from her nose. She also likes to hold the tissue and wave it while she's rhythmically blowing snot. She will copy you if you are blowing your nose, so we routinely take advantage of modeling it for her.

Other funny and precious things she does:
~Grunt like she's pooping if you start grunting yourself. Sometimes this triggers and actual poo, so I think she will be relatively easy to potty train.
~Laughs if she farts and you notice.
~says half words, like train whistle, which comes out "Taiynnn...Whisss." Or "Shabazz the Cat" which comes out "Baz cTat" or "Seamas! Uh oh!" which comes out "Maish...Uh oh!"
~She sneakily feeds the dog and cats from her high chair. She will watch us to make sure we don't notice (but we always do) and drop food or lean over to them. They love her.
~She copies us when we do the "W" shrug and say "I don't knowwwww-owww".
~When you tell her "Beanie, go grab your FAVORITE book and I'll read it" she will stop whatever she is doing, toddle to her bookshelf, pick out a book, and then toddle back to throw "Goodnight Moon" or "Zany Zoo" or "Pat The Bunny" in your lap. If you just say "Grab a book" she might come back with a magazine or something. It's almost as if she knows what "favorite" means.
~She can find her eyes, ears, nose and point to them if you ask her to find them. I had no idea she could do this until last night.

I know it's all normal baby stuff. But it's so exciting! Part of me screams "you're a f*cking GENIUS!" and the other half knows I read about this in the Sear's Baby Book, so she's basically on track with her peers and nothing to get excited about. But it's soooo exciting!

You forget how fun it is to discover new things until a kid starts discovering stuff that is old hat.

I remember when she was tiny and precious and snuggly and I didn't want her to grow up. PF remembers this too. We just wanted her to stay a baby. We thought we'd be sooo sad when she started turning into a "kid".

But it's hilarious! I can't wait until she starts telling bad jokes and helping me make cookies and everything else that little kids do with you.

Every moment is so great. Almost never does she make me mad (unless she bites the tip off my nipple and then I'm just in pain and can't stand to be around her for a couple of minutes. And yeah, it hurts like hell) and usually she makes me laugh.

Last night I got down on all fours and chased her around the room playing peek a boo/catch me if you can. I have the rug burns on the knees to prove it. She couldn't stop laughing.

2006-09-28T10:16:00.000-07:00

I am at work.

I am sick.

Beanie got me sick.

We took Beanie to Fairy Tale Town on Saturday. She had a runny nose on Sunday when I took her to the Folsom Zoo.

By Monday, we were pulling the most awesome green and white boogers out of her head.

By Tuesday, I had it too. But I'm "sick" and she's just "slowing down a little" with this funny grin as she blows boogies on you. She doesn't quit understand blowing her nose. She stands upright in the middle of the room hyperventilating through her nostrils until streams of snot start draining and bubbling. She appears to get quite a kick out of it. It's gross when you are sharing ice cream, though. My kid is on enthusiasm overdrive. She even chuckles in her sleep. Even when sick.

We're trying to figure out if she might have an ear infection starting, because she will tap her right ear, but then she grins and points and babbles and goofs around, and isn't cranky/crying/feverish. Until late at night when she's obviously sleepy/cranky/whiny, the normal overtired stuff.

But me? I'm sick. I seem to get REALLY sick when I get sick these days. Like, sorest of throats, most pluggled of ears, my head goes from feeling light and airy and puffy and stupid, and then if I turn my neck, it suddenly feels like a ton of bricks between my ears and all I want to do is splay out on a bed and be done with it.

I did lie down yesterday after work. I really, really only thought it was 10 minutes on top of the covers. But when the phone rang? It woke me up a whole hour later. So, I must've napped. I never really nap. But I'm sick. So I napped. My kid did not nap with me. She does not understand she is sick. She spent some time using my supine body as a jungle gym until her dad came in and pried her off.

He may be getting sick. We don't know. He rarely gets stomach ailments and he seems to have a stronger immune system when it comes to colds and flus and whatnot. But when he does get sick? He's miserable.

It would be horrible if he got sick! He's got a really fun thing planned on Sunday, and we are going to Apple Hill on Saturday. Man. PF, don't be sick. I'll be sick for both of us.

Apple Hill last year:

2006-09-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

We are still having fun, fun early wake up routine action. Not so fun for mom.

I kowtowed to my period migraine and took meds last night. Made promise to not breastfeed for 12 hours. Managed to keep promise, as beanie made her move on me this morning around 6 AM. Break Fast.

I am contemplating not shaving my legs anymore. I never said I was a role model. Yesterday I noted the really not-so-pretty look of my razor. I have to say, it's kind of ridiculous that I shave at all. I mean, I like the IMMEDIATE gratification of stubble-free legs, but I'm also blond. Really blond. My leg hairs are fluttery little duck feathers in the wind. They are barely noticeable, as I have noticed. The only reason I shave my legs is because I can't stand the stubble. And I quit shaving when I was preggie because, well, you try bending over in a shower to reach your ankles when you're bigger around than you are tall. The minute the kid was out and I had a razor? I shaved. I shouldn't have.

Beanie is a kick. She tries a lot of words now. We keep her guessing. "Beanie, (wait for her to look at you) Beanie! Say, "Duck!" (DUCKsch!) Say, "Dog!" ({grin}"DOGsch!") Beanie, say, "DaDa!" ("Dada.") Say, "Mama!" (quiet.) Beanie, say, "Mama!?" (moves across room yelling "CTAT!" (silent c))
I think we got her to say "BBQ" last night too. But Mama is apparently out of the question.

PF taught her the word "Juice" the other day, and apparently she was so happy she could communicate what she wanted verbally, she walked around cheering and clapping for herself. That's pretty awesome, I agree. But I tried to show Erica that Beans could say "Juice" in the car, while I was driving, and let me tell you, not only can she say it, but she knows what it means. I said "Beanie, say "Juice"!" and she did, and then started bawling because she suddenly wanted juice. Ugh. bad mama. And dumb mama took her down the sippy cup aisle at the supermarket too, with her pointing and crying "Juice! Juice?" FYI, her juice is like 10 drops of organic apple juice mixed with a gallon of water. So I can't just buy her a "juice" box. Too much sugar.
We got her Cold Stone Creamery instead. Don't worry, she only wants to taste it, and then she got down to play.

She has long, long conversations with us. She must be telling jokes, because when we say "Oh, really Beanie?" she cracks up. I have to laugh too, because it's ridiculous. You can't understand what she's saying half the time! But she laughs in the most self-satisfied way, like it's the biggest chuckler she ever heard.

I always said that I wanted a kid who was smart enough to have a sense of humor about herself.

I got her.

2006-09-18T09:10:00.000-07:00

Beanie woke up this morning, hopped out of bed and chased the cats in the wee hours befor dawn. She was on a mission. Part of her field orders were apparently to bring me a sock. Not just any old sock, but the one her dad wore all day yesterday on his Delta fishing trip. Mmmm. She said "Dis." authoritatively and dropped in on my face. This is how I woke up. At 6:15 AM. With a sock in my eye and a little voice in my ear squeeing gently before toddling off after "CAT!"

Why doesn't daddy wake up for these blessed events? I have no idea how he can sleep through them, but he manages.

I also found out late last night that the cute PJ's I bought her recently glow in the dark. At first I was enchanted. And then, typical mommy, I started wondering how much toxic chemical additive was used to create such a cute glowing outfit.

I have also gone uterine-complaint free since November 24, 2004. It all caught up with me this weekend. I apparently forgot how horrifying a period can be. It's that much worse when you are stunned by the sheer volume of blood loss. I've always been a "heavy" gal, but this is a bit ridiculous. Can you sleep in an Instead? I need to know because nothing I bought is working for overnight, and my second day is usually much more hellish than my first.

I think my strict calorie counting/exercise/cinnamon and gymnema sylvestre/weaning combination is what sparked it. It's been looming and threatening to arrive for months, but I've staved it off with breastfeeding. Beanie is transitioning off the nunu and onto cow's milk and water in sippy cups. Which is a good thing, since she bites. But the no-period thing was kinda nice while it lasted. Boom, when it hits, it comes in crampless and sort of pours out. That could be just me, though. Like I said, day 2 is usually my doozy. And of course, I'm working. Oh how I wish I could just stay home where there is red carpet and no one freaks if I double over, they just rub my back and get me hot tea.

I wonder if my fertility hormones have adjusted and I'm normal again? That would be amazing. Although I want to lose about 30 lbs before trying to get prego again. I wonder how that would be? I can't imagine sharing my bed with yet another little squirt just yet, so we should hold off until we get a Big Girl Bed. But still. How fun would that be to have another Bean? I s'pose we'd have to pick another legume...Lentil? Pea?

blogger is not letting me upload a pic. I could look at my kid all day long.

She's now 20 lbs. I think she got a little taller too. And she's trying more words. Yesterday she tried to neigh like a horse. So cute! Kills me, how cute she is. Of course, she has also learned to clear her throat. That is less than adorable, but still funny.

2006-09-12T11:14:00.000-07:00

More on the Beanie.

A) I need to update her lilypie tracker. She's en route for two!!

B) I need to buy her either this little kitchen cutie

Or

this one.

They are both killing me with their adorableness. Just shows you that I'm a real mom. I'm going to take half of my bday money and invest it in heritage toys for The Bean. They both say "3 years" and older, but my kid is waaaaay into the recyclables and the cabinets. She pulls out pots and pans and really loves pulling every ziploc sandwich bag OUT of it's little convenient box.

PF recently finished our balcony security mesh and the cabinet doors are all rigged against toddlers. You know she's frustrated with the nonopening doors because she has now started screaming her anger when thwarted.

The other new Bean action is that she has started shutting doors and locking herself in. I keep thinking she's slammed her fingers what with all the horror and pain you hear once that door slams shut. But usually? She's just upset she's blocked her own egress.

She's walking really well for having only started REALLY toddling about 2 weeks before her 1st bday. She will look like she's about to fall over, and reach out and steady herself like she's standing in a boat, and them off she goes again, righted.

She also woke up this morning, pointed hard and yelled "CAT!" at Wingnut. He got wide eyes and jumped off the bed flummoxed. Then she found my nunu, settled back down and promptly fell back to sleep satisfied with her little self.

2006-09-06T09:22:00.000-07:00

8/17 was my last post?

it seems that I may have been a trifle busier than I thought.

Since my last post, Beanie turned 1, we went to the fair twice, I had my 35th birthday on a day that my friend Erica decided to tumble from a horse and almost die, and my grandpa ended up in the hospital. I still don't know the reason why.

But Beanie turned 1! One years Old.

At her one year old check up, she ranked 25th percentile in weight and only 20th percentile in height. I may have that viceyversey'd because I wasn't the one who took her and it's not fresh in my head. Apparently she is a very happy child. You would never know it from this photo:

Anyway. I had actually tried to post earlier, but blogger was acting wonky.

1st birthday:

1st pony ride:

1st petting zoo:

Things Beanie does well: squeak, shriek, toddle. She toddled around at the fair on Monday in the art show, squeaking loudly and having a blast doing it. This is due to the fact that the vast, clean, white space, echoed.

My kid has always been kind of verbal. Words she tries to say: Seamas (that's our dog) comes out as "May-shus" or "Maysh". She tried to say Yucky the other day (she plays in the toilet and therefore hears my "that is yucky" mantra pretty often) and it was so damn cute, and recognizable "yushhh". Her "Hi" sounds like a normal person, so it has freaked out a few waitresses and grocery baggers. But since she's in the 20th percentile in height or weight or whatever, she's a teeny little baby looking creature who can say "Hi" appropriately, wave, and flirt outrageously. It's pretty funny. She also says "Uh-oh." and "Yesssh." for the affirmative. That's kind of old though. The other thing? When Erica came over to recover from her concussion, Beanie kept trying to make her feel better. She kept checking on her, patting her gently and trying to look her in the eye with this adorabl concerned look. So precious. I have a little empathetic baby on my hands. She'll probably try to save the world. I actually think Erica may be warming to her. Anyway. My kid. I'm very proud of how sweet her demeanor is.

I have a lot more pics of her that I somehow managed to delete. I was taking a photo of a spider at my house, and it kept coming out blurry, and then I tried to close my camera and all of the sudden it said "card not formatted". I freaked out. I need to take it to a special computer place and see if the images can be recovered. Ugh. So cute too...my little boo, I didn't mean to erase you! I think the evil garden spider cast a spell on my digital camera and fuggled it all up.

Ugh.

2006-08-17T10:23:00.000-07:00

This weekend was busy. A swirl of busy.

It involved lunches, bbqs, dinners, movies, whatnot.

I mainly remember feeling my head burst on Sunday night after a fun but exhausting Saturday and another fun evening on Sunday, and then zombiewalking through Monday trying to be perky but failing and staying home from work.

Migraines suck ass.

I plodded through Tuesday.

I finally took a migraine pill on Tuesday night, which worked. But they are toxic to beanies, so I couldn't breastfeed her all night.

I got news for ya, my kid must get the bulk of her calories from me at night, all hours. Because she woke us up and PF was getting bottle after bottle, probably 10 oz or more. She drained them, fell asleep, and woke up finally at 5:48, when I was just too tired not to nurse her. So, I gave my baby the remnants of Max-Alt still in my bloodstream. It probably knocked her out, because apparently she slept until 9:30 AM. 9 PM-9:30 AM, with 3 or 4 wake ups.

People ask me if she sleeps through the night now. I always say yes. But after Tuesday night, I'm thinking "no." Because I'm thinking she must wake up enough to nurse. But Tuesday, I just wouldn't let her, and we both woke up each time. And so did Daddy, because that's what you do when you are tired. You wake up the dad.

In any case, she's fine, and she did get some sleep last night, except that she apparently will scream from 1 AM until 1:30 AM if she hears me go to the potty and she's been up doing her nightowl thing with dad. That sucked.

I had originally gone to bed with her while she was sound asleep, she woke up, started playing, and after two hits to my face, I called her dad in. He took her out to calm her down and drink warm bottles while I passed out, careening into the pillow like a car crash. But sometimes I pee in the middle of the night. And my tinkle woke her up way out in the living room. And boom. Night From Hell. For Mommy. Not so much for dad, since he sleeps in.

Anyway.

This weekend, at a birthday party, Beanie found a dog turd. And did with it what any curious toddler would do. She tasted it. And then, after all of that, she wanted to nurse. I felt trapped in a John Waters movie. My head exploded, I do belive, as a consequence of my thinking too hard about poop in mouths.

2006-08-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon I took my kid out to our little sandbar in our backyard. Daddy fished off the little dock and caught 6 little fishes. Beanie and I fed ducks in the sun. So nice!

She has been taking steps. The most so far: 7. She basically takes seven steps laughing hysterically until she can't contain it anymore and collapses on the ground. She jumped OFF the couch and raced toward me last night until she collapsed in a fit of giggles. Me too. I crack up when she starts hootin'. The kid is ridiculously happy most of the time. That's why it's so rough on us when she's crying, because it's pretty rare (as far as babies go.)

She has become demanding when we are eating. We have to feed her first, and she still might want some of whatever we have. Even if it's the same thing!

Speaking of eating, it's really true that kids will put anything in their mouths. Some stuff is relatively benign.
Things I've found Beanie chomping on the past couple of months:
1) pigeon turdlette (this was in her mouth all of 2 seconds, but still. Yuck.)
2) cat hair
3) remote control
4) lettuce
5) beetle (I found half a beetle. I think it fell out of the cobweb. At first I thought it was an olive sliced lenghtwise into quarters until I examined it closer and freaked out.)
6) cobweb (jeebus, there was so much cobweb in her mouth! I was shocked. I kept expecting to pull out the damn spider.) from entry way (we have a lot of spiders near our outside lights)
7) wallet
8) dog and cat food
9) blanket fuzzies
10) paper

Of the 10, the most concerning ones were blanket fuzzies, lettuce and paper. That's because she likes to put them in her mouth even AFTER her experiences with them, and they can choke her.

Yeah. When they say "Anything", they seriously mean it. And it gets creative. Beanie does the normal things too, like chomp on electrical cords and she's totally fascinated by electric outlets and dog bowl contents. She likes to bang on things and wants to get into the cabinet with all the pots and pans.

She's tall enough to pull things off the table and the stove now, and recently pulled a to go box of L&L BBQ macaroni salad down on her head. Sadly, no pictures.

And she talks to us in babble, telling us the CRAZIEST stories, and then pointing for emphasis.

At the end of her favorite book, Time For Sleep, she kisses the baby goodnight. How fucking cute is that?? It KILLS me dead every single time.

Her birthday is on August 27. I cannot believe it's already been a year!! Just 12 months ago I was a sweaty cupcake on stilts of a woman, and now I'm a mom of a toddler!

2006-08-02T14:06:00.000-07:00

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yeah.

So, last night I took Beanie to a meeting at SRD, and then shot over to Safeway Alhambra for some dindin.

We literally got chased down by a 10 year old kid and his mom (because the kid wanted his mom to see the pretty baby, which was weird as shit), and the fish market guy forgot what I had asked him twice because he was flirting with my kid (who is a HUUUUUGE flirt), and some Latina Granny started making googoo eyes and kissing my beanie when I was getting corn out of the freezer. Beanie went along with it until she blessed her, crossed herself, and said "you grow up to be a good girl." Beanie looked like IF she was going to grow up, it was NOT because she was going to be nice.

Here here, Beanie. You will probably have to do a little kung fu on someone in the future. Until then, stay adorable. Apparently, mine is not the only life you make nicer just by being yourself.

It always throws me for a loop when strangers caress my kid. I think she's totally squeezable, and I know I have a hard time keeping from pinching cheeks and kissing foreheads left and right when my friends' kids come a-calling, but I can usually restrain myself. I think my kid is secretly daring new people to engage with her in semi-physical ways.

I'm gonna have to keep my eye on her forever, aren't I?

~Mummmumm.

2006-08-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

La-la, La-la; La-la, La-la; El-mo's World....

...is stuck in my head.

It's a slight improvement over Puff The Magic Dragon; Puff was sung by everyone in my office yesterday because it got stuck in my head and I started humming it and boom, everyone was upset because THE EAR WORM GOT THEM TOO.

Elmo's world. Beanie's got an Elmo Phone. It's one of the least annoying noisemaking toys on the market, but still, it'll earworm you when you are least expecting it.

This weekend was soooooooo busy. Friday night, Amanda and I made 46 cupcakes. I promptly ate 6. Well, I shared a few. 40 were for the PF's 40th bday. I dressed up a covered wooden picnic area and got a keg to have a Pirate Fest. His last name is Marrrrrrrrgggghhh, after all. Fun times were had by all on Sunday. I don't know why I got the Pirate thing in my head. Probably because my daughter says "Arrrrggh" a lot, and PF likes pirates and Pirates of the Caribbean is one of my favorite rides, and pirates are just great in general. Except the Malay pirates. And the ones off the coast of Turkey. I'm thinking old-school west indies pirates, mainly. The mythologicized pirate of yore.

I got back to work sunburned and busy. I keep finding corrupted files from when I transfered a bunch of stuff from the laptop I used to use to the desktop I use now. I am missing pics of my bean, as well. I'm only discovering this now, since I'm not longer as busy and am working on other things again.

I'm feeling offended by a lot of stuff lately. I'm feeling annoyed by technology, by the fact that my baby cried for me piteously this morning and I had to go to work, by traffic, by my own bowels which are acting up again (I am thinking I just respond to stress with stomach problems), by the fact that I have bowel problems in the first place, by my cat's missing weiner (he had a urothrostomy (sp?) due to blockages that would have killed him in 36 hours if I hadn't taken the extreme measures I did; namely, unblocking him and buying a surgery to hopefully keep this from ever happening again in the future), by NPR who said my baby should not be watching any television (and they don't give me the caveat that fishing shows are probably okay), by my hair, by my burnt skin, by my coworkers who have no pity for people who lose their luggage on international transfers, by the music on the radio...The list goes on. I'm finding myself totally annoyed lately. Like I want to jump out of my sunburnt skin and zip away in the ether and leave it all behind. Not in a depressive way, but in a freedom sort of way. Is that depression???

How could I be depressed? I have this:

2006-07-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

I am back from Korea. Pics are located here (after the pics of beanie at a wedding with her gparentals.)

Korea is amazing.

Recipe for Army Soup:

1 can spam
1 pack hotdogs split down the centers
1/2 package of spicy pepperoni
1 package ramen noodles
1 hearty scoop cabbage kimchee (essentially steamed green cabbage sliced thinly, chili paste, rice vinegar, salt to taste)
3 green onions spliced and chopped
2 cans of beef broth

Steamed Rice

You cook all the meats and broth and kimchee together. When it's boiling, add the ramen noodles. Serve with and/or over steamed rice.

That was my first meal in Korea. It's popular with the younger generations. It's typical of what the Americans would make during the war. It's called Military soup as well. Our side salad was raw squid in chili sauce.

I also toured the DMZ, a Buddhist temple, and the Joesun dynasty's last palace in Seoul. Street shopping was in Insadong and in Itaewon (the "foreigner's" district)

When I got home, my baby almost didn't recognize me. She stared at me blankly for 3 seconds straight. Then she broke into giggles and grins like "Oh yeah! I have a mommy! How silly of me to forget!" Which was nice, but I was secretly hoping for relieved weeping. Unfortunately, I seem to have birthed a very happy, hearty, sanguine child who is not as needy for me as I have secretely hoped all these months...Rudolf Steiner would be proud.

Anyway. I have a lot of work to catch up on. Silly me. I thought it would all ease up while I was abroad...

2006-07-09T22:52:00.000-07:00

This has been a really lovely weekend.

Except for Friday, when I threw up from stress apparently (that's 2 Fridays in a row where I puked uncontrollably at work), it was wonderful.

Saturday was a lovely bday party for two of Beanie's friends, Lucas and Sadie (Luc is 4, Sadie is 1) followed by yum pizza with two of Beanie's OTHER pals, Roan and Sage (Roanie is turning 4 in a few weeks, Sage turned 1 a couple of months ago). Today we had brunch with Regina, and then watched the Italy take the world cup away from France at her in-law's house. It was nice, but jeebus, they went into overtime twice and then Italy had to kick 5 PK's before it was decided absolutely. Long morning. Followed by fun at the park with Gina, her husband, and their two sons. I missed her daughter, who is visiting her daddy in Portland. But it was so great to see my best friend before I have to leave for a week.

I am going to Korea on the 15th. I have most of my clothes packed in a giant bag that I think I don't need. It's my first work travel trip, and it's relativel short for a work trip, but it's still sad to leave the Beanie. I know she's in good hands, but it's gonna hurt. I'm taking my breast pump and my domperidone to keep my supply up. My darling beanie buddha. Your pics are in my wallet so I can stare at you and smile all week.

I'll be back on the 20th.

2006-07-04T23:02:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July!

2006-06-27T16:14:00.000-07:00

No pictures of the Beanie today.

This is because she is sporting a black eye from trying to bouncy bounce on her knees with her face too close to the table. Bonk. My poor darling dotted i!

Last night we saw blood. This was because mom is slightly idiotic and forgot Beanie likes to stand. AND fall. My poor little baby and her puffy lip. Mein gott. I feel like the most horrible momma, but I know it's all just learning. I have heard of moms having CRAZY things happening to their kids, wacky stuff. So it just comes with the territory.

Anyway, my kid is 10 months old today. She's beautiful and funny and cheerful and kooky and cute. She likes to point at things and wave at people and say "HHHAH!" and yell "DUH!" at ducks and dogs, and "CZZZZhuh!" at the cats, and everything ends in "!" with the beanie.

Oh my little boo, I am so done with work. I can't wait to come home and cuddle you!!

2006-06-21T15:50:00.000-07:00

Beanie is getting old.

We dressed her up her lady bug garb and took her to The Picture People for some photos with her grandparents and great grandparents (father's day gifts) and there was an 11 day old baby there. The baby weighed 8 lbs. And she was teeny weeny. Just a soggy noodlenodder of a baby. And I was shocked, because...MY BABY WAS EVEN SMALLER when she was that age! And their baby looked SOOOO FRESH. Sooooo new. Soooo delicate.

My baby is old.

waaah.

She's cute, though. She's the cutest of 4 generations. Even cuter than my grandma, who is super cute.

Congratulations to the Hull family, who welcomed baby Isaac sometime last week!! So great. New babies. Ah, how I loves 'em...

2006-06-13T11:40:00.000-07:00

"Dat baby's doesn't gots no shoes on his feets...He gots feets."
As uttered by the most adorable 4 year old in Rite Aid, and it still cracks me up. She first complimented PF on his shoes (converse) and then freaked out because Beanie wasn't wearing shoes. She got her mom so she could tell on us.
It still makes me laugh.

I have Cee-Lo's voice in my head going "I think you're crazy" over and over again. How anyone can not like that song is beyond me. Beanie used to calm down to the Gorillaz Feel Good, Inc. Which means I probably listen to that Dangermouse produced stuff way too much for the PF's liking. Because that's what you do, baby. Dude, this stuff's better than Madonna ever was. I've been WAITING for something new to pique my interest musically on the regular radio. I think most people I hang out with are such music snobs they'd never give something this commercial a chance. The funny thing is, all their indie cred music is being coopted by commercial enterprise, and can be heard in the background of numerous commercials. It sucks, but that's the way it is. And that's how I found out my fetus was a rocker, thank you Jetta commercials.

The past two days have been overcast during the day, and sunny/bright during the evening.
Beanie and I have been walking Seamas and playing with him on the sand by the lake. She's such a calm baby. You'd never know she was teething until you put her down to do something and realized she's not gonna let you put her down no siree. She wants IN your arms RIGHT now and no ands ifs or buts about it.

That top left tooth is taking awhile to come in. Poor little Beanie, it seems to want to pop, but no relief yet. I can't believe how many teeth need to come in. I teethed. I don't remember being so miserable. Apparently we have it easy, though. Beanie's a really easy kid for the most part.

The last time we took her to Ikea, I put her into toddler beds and said "Night night" over and over again. The first few times she thought it was fun. The 4th time, she got pissed off. I wonder if she will take to a crib if we buy one soon? I definitely, no question about it, want a convertible crib that turns into a little toddler bed. I literally refuse to buy, or let anyone buy for me, anything that is NOT convertible. Mostly because I think cribs look like jails. And also because we've had her out of a crib for so long, it would be weird to suddenly put her in one. She's learned how to crawl off the bed on her tummy so she doesn't fall off. That's pretty impressive. So I kinda think she's ready for a toddler bed.

I'm also curious about when to start potty training. I know I'm jumping the gun, but the adorable baby bjorn potty is kicking my ass. I want this potty. Do you start when they are walking pretty confidently for a couple of months? Beanie is about to walk. She is doing the take-a-step-away-from-your-knee, turn, grab-the-table thing. She will also stand for a second before collapsing in a pile of giggles. This is the ULTIMATE in fun. I used to say I'd love her even if she was retarded, which is true, but I think I would stab myself if this was the game I played with her till she was 30. Luckily, even though she's doing this weird, weird "unnnhhhhh unnnnnh" laugh thing instead of normal giggles all the time, she's obviously not retarded. She's a little scarily smart, actually. I hope she isn't too precocious, because I hate truly precocious children. I shouldn't say "hate", it's a strong word.

I love my little Beanie.

I've been thinking that Elsa is a better name for her for school than Beanie. I really like the Elsa Peretti for Tiffany/Bean necklace. My girlfriend has one, and it's adorable. Anyway.

2006-06-06T12:34:00.000-07:00

Today is a little slower than yesterday. Lots of fixing problems and talking to people.

Nice people, though.

Have to set up the webcam to do interviews. It works on my end, but not on the other person's. Had PF and Beanie test our home wireless to see if wireless loads video slowly, but it doesn't. Back to drawing board...At least I got to talk to beanie!!!

Ninja Maman and I are trying to figure out what kind of birds live in my back yard lake. PF caught a juvenile recently, it dove for his very lifelike minnow bait. It was very calm when he undid the hook and let it go none the worse for wear. But my neighbor said "what?? KINGFISHERS??! Nah, we have NIGHT HERONS."

Okay, except while night herons are the correct size, they aren't the correct colors.

Ninja Maman has been sending me audubon clips and pics so that I can ID these suckers. I still think they look more kingfisheresque, but kingfishers turn out to be small birds. These are pretty freaking big.

I have more pics of The Bean doing her crazy Beanish Things. She now demands ice cream. I know. We are bad for giving it to her in the first place and letting her develop a taste. Last night we ate the rest of the Rocky Road my friend brought for dessert last week. Beanie was squawking for it like a little bird with her mouth gaping. All I could think about was "crap. tree nuts. And chocolate." If my kid comes down with food allergies, it will be weird as hell because neither of us have any, but still, if she does, you know why. Rocky Road.

Her top tooth popped through last weekend and she is in good spirits again. She's very proud of these teeth. She grins with her eyes squinched up and breathes really hard a few times through her nose. It's really funny!

She also knows the word "NO!" and last night I think we were too tough on her, because she burst into tears. We are trying to make sure she has boundaries. It's hard, because we encourage her to explore and to crawl and to be independent, but she's fascinated with her daddy's vintage and/or expensive record collection, and we yell "NO BEANIE!" from across the room, we try to provide her with appropriate distractions, but it doesn't always work. Problem is, she can't always get "down" from her standing position. She can pull herself up no problem, but she hasn't got the "bend legs, plop down on bum, move away from the records" thing down quite yet. We both said NO and she just started weeping until Daddy picked her up. I think my heart nearly broke in half. She was up against the shelves and looking at each of us both saying no, and she just broke down.

My poor darling sweetie puffs. Just thinking about it makes me all teary-eyed myself.

Beanie, my love, what were we thinking?? Of COURSE you can rip daddy's records anytime you want to, don't cry my darling beanie boos....

2006-06-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

Today is Thursday.

It's my favorite day of the week and I don't know why.

In any case, Thursday.

I was telling my coworker that I like the name Ebenezer for a boy, and he laughed at me and said "I don't know why I'm laughing, you named you daughter ELSPETH" and I said "yeah, but I kind of secretly wanted to name her "Rosebud", but I didn't" and then I started crying. WTF? I know why I started feeling emo, because I knew a woman who adopted a baby from the County who had a serious heart defect and the kid was just precious and sweet and died at age 3 and her name was Rosebud and for the brief time I knew her, I just loved her. But still. I can't even THINK about that name without crying like Kane.

Are the hormones STILL going strong?

Sigh.

This is adorable, though. A movie I forgot I shot because it's so grainy. It's 7 seconds or so of Beanie getting some love from Seamas.
seamas and beanie

This morning my daughter started screaming when I got up to get ready for work. Well, technically, I leapt from the bed shouting "oh my god, I'm late, I'm late" so technically, she may have just been upset from all my noisiness. How much do I love my PF for getting up and making coffee and feeding kitties and dogs? Too much.
He's perfect and lovely and brilliant.

And my darling little Beanie calmed down after some nunu.

Ah, Thursday. It's a relishable day.

I wish I had it off.

2006-05-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

I'm really dragging today...I can barely keep my lids up. And I've been very productive today as well.

My alarm went off sooo early and soooo loudly this morning that poor Beanie actually cried. Usually she ignores it and I slip my arm out from under her sweaty little head...

We took a bath together last night and played with her ducks. Hide and seek with ducks in a tub and Beanie scooting around on her nekkid bum to figure out where they swam off to...so cute. I'd make a movie, but someone would arrest me. After our bath, I took her out to watch her daddy fishing. She loves to watch him cast for bass and other fishies.

damn, I love my kid. I love everything about her, even her pooparamas and her weird ear smell.

Sometimes I find myself thinking "this is not real. she can't be real, she's too lovely." So, I am buying life insurance for myself. I had my interview. That'll make it all real, mortality hitting home and all. Plus, if I do perchance bite it (because I literally think that way: it's too perfect, it will end), I will be able to send my perfectly wonderful kid to college posthumously.

Yesterday I got the phone call about the great non profit job. I didn't get it, but I was one of 3 finalists who were called to a second interview. Out of 50+ applicants, he said. Which means I'm getting REALLY GOOD AT INTERVIEWS. I actually like doing them now. I always used to freeze up in the past. I think having Beanie made me MUCH more driven, and MUCH more self confident. I'm feeling well-rounded, and able to do just about anything as long as I can come home to my daughter and have her squeal with joy when I walk through the door and her eyes adjust to the light and she recognizes me and PF say's "Look who's home!" I LOVE it when she yells hello and starts maneuvering over to me on her little hands and knees with that gasping baby excitement. I scoop her up and say there's nothing better than her, nothing.

So, that's okay that I didn't get it. I love my job, so I wasn't that worried about it. It would have been nice, but this job is keeping me happily busy and stress-free for the most part. I do still need to negotiate a few things, but overall, magically good.

In life and in work and in play.

My mom called me from Maryland. I forgot they went there, and I made them the reservations. It was surreal. Apparently, when she went to bed after breakfast, my dad headed down to the tiny hotel lobby giftshop and bought a bunch of crap for beanie that has to do with crabs. I guess they are in Crab Central or something. He also bought her a duck with a sailor cap on it that quacks incessantly like a mallard freaking out when you squeeze it. They put it on the phone for me. My coworker could hear the damn thing across the room.

Quack, quack.

2006-05-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

I think the Diabetes is doing weird stuff to my brain. I'm scared to test my blood. One more week and then I'm covered and can see an actual doctor again. I think this because I've been acting more obnoxious/weird than usual. And I'm noticing it, which could be bad/could be good. I am counting down to Doctor Day/Fasting Glucose Challenge Test Day to see if I need something more potent than what I've been buying from Canada all these months...

Last night Beanie had a long, gripping, enthralled conversation with her dad. Mostly consisting of the word "Da" in all its permutations. It went on and on. It was sing song, syncopated, loving, angry, challenging, goofy, melancholic...Da. PF just kept answering, and beanie just kept talking. I have a chatterbox. I will record it next time.

The good thing about this chatter thing is that she might overshadow my obnoxious chatter, hopefully by the time she's two. My goal is to become a silent monk.

She still laughs at us when we say "NO, BEANIE!" This will crack her up faster than being tickled.

2006-05-18T15:51:00.000-07:00

I was running late this morning.

I washed my pump.

I threw some berries and crackers into my bag for lunch.

I ran out the door.

I got too busy at work to pump until a few minutes before lunch.

I pulled my pump out.

All there, except the reservoir bottle.

I have no way to pump.

I called the PF. He brought beanie in at 3 PM.

I just spent 40 minutes trying to get my very distractable 8.5 months old baby to nurse at my office.

Fat chance that.

The kid is raring to go. She actually strained to push me away so she could climb around in the office. I got on the floor with her and crawled after her thinking that might tire her out.

Then we moved out to the car to try. No way, jose.

SO, I will probably end up with mastitis after today as I'm as swollen as a milk cow who's had no relief. I can't bellow frantically, though. People already think I'm too loud and vulgar as it is.

I'm dying here. Owie.

2006-05-15T08:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Mmmummmum day. That's what Beanie called it, anyway. Mmmmummum. She also called it Diddada.

It was my first one ever.

PF took us to the park and fed us KFC and we played on the swings with Beanie and threw KFC biscuits at the ducks. The ducks knew better than to eat them, though...

It was nice.

I think my mom was angry that we didn't come over to their house to eat bbq on their patio and listen to the bickering/teasing/sniping/to me snipe back. But I think we had a much nicer holiday just making it special for our little familia. No snipes, only geese.

And we found out our kid likes swings.

She's also a serious foodie. This week, she's eaten Indian food, Japanese food, lots of chicken cooked various ways (she eats chunks of it in little pinches). She ate half of PF's chinese almond gelatin dessert. Probably bad for her, since it has both almond extract AND dairy...She made her way through cottage cheese, peas, peaches, and tried to pull my artichoke off the table.

She's only interested in nursing for naptime and nighttime. I had to practically force feed her nunu yesterday after the park because I was so worried she was too dehydrated (she did go for the juice/water mix that everyone swears by. 2 tbsp apple juice to 4 oz water.)

She also played nekkid in the living room wearing only a big sunhat. I love her little body so much, I could chomp it. I still have these weird "I want to eat her" discussions with my brain. It's intense and terrifying at the same time. It's weird to love someone so much you want to gobble her like your favorite food. I felt that way about Seamas when he was a puppy, so maybe it's just the plump milky sweet baby-ness of it all.

Beanie has two teeny teeth on the bottom gum now. They are both popped out and very sharp(you can see flashes of them in the video I shot if you cock your neck.) The top ones are coming in right to left, opposite of the bottoms, which came in left to right. Weird. We waited almost 9 months to see ONE, thinking she's been teething since 2 months. And boom. They start coming in with very little ado.

She grins really silly, like she knows they are there, with her eyes pinched up and her mouth spread wide and her two little teeth prominently displayed. PF knows they are there. She bit him and left marks. I'm scared for my nunus. I'm almost glad she isn't that interested in nursing...although it will make me so sad when she really weans. I'm making her wean herself, though. I'm not gonna do it!

Her 9 months bday is in 2 weeks or so.

Crikey! I really need to figure out how to bake the cake I want to bake for her 1st bday. I figure it's in late August, so we can do a pool party. And I want to make a cake shaped like a lily pad with a frog sitting on it.

Beanie In A Swing

This link is tp a super cute short movie of my kid in a swing at McKinley Park. She loved it. Unfortunately, mummmmum is a f*cking idjit and held the camera wrong. Moe, if you can flip this, I'll buy you a beer next time you're in town.

Oh! And we bought a newer car this weekend. If you ever do that after researching online, definitely print out the page you are on. I just wrote stuff down and got confused when we got to the dealer. We paid more than I planned, but the car is very nice. I don't love it like my HX. However, it's what I would have gotten had my plan to trade in or sell my HX worked out okay. I still despise car thieves more than other thieves.

2006-05-12T15:28:00.000-07:00

Okay. I'm dying of heat exhaustion. my coworker in the middle section of the office (the space central without a window) turned up the heat. We only just discovered this evil. She left for lunch. She turned it up because she is cold. In my office, I am flushed in cheek, pale in lips, glassy in eyes, and sweat is drying before it actually appears. I'm chugging water like mad.

I thought the AC was broken. Until someone actually checked. Oi vey.

I'm crossing fingers now for new job opp to pan out because while I love it here (except when it's hot), I think the other is a better fit for me. If it doesn't, I won't be sad. But if it does??? Boy and HOW will I be in a better position financially/career wise!! Beanie would get to go to college if I got another job!!

I'm probably dying from heat because I'm also wearing all black because we haven't done laundry in 3 weeks. Last weekend we finally washed our blankets and sheets that seamas bled on so we can use them again. Beanie had also barfed on them and we just turned the blanket around because really, her barf is nothing compared to REAL people's barrage of barf.

We have no time to do anything. Tomorrow I have nothing planned, which means I will be doing laundry. Because see, when you have nothing planned, you do chores. You don't get to sleep in with a Beanie in your life!

Today I have to take a detour out to Fry's and buy a universal antenna. This is because some jerk snapped the antenna off my gparent's car this past week, and it's really got to get fixed because we are returning the volvo on May 20. Ugh. I called my gparents and told them I was replacing it and they were happy with the idea, but they were upset that someone would vandalize their car.

I was too. I tell ya, if I saw an old volvo with a giant car seat inside, the last thing I'd do would be to mess with them. You KNOW they can't afford a better car. My coworker said "Maybe they snapped it because they figured it was so old it didn't matter." I think my jaw dropped to the floor. I just do not think that way at all. I wouldn't touch ANYONE'S car, because I respect it as private property, but I'm floored that people think that I'd be indifferent because the car I drive is "old". It makes me sick.

I have a CARSEAT in the back, for pete's sake. Why would someone touch a mom car? Isn't that sacred????

2006-05-08T12:32:00.000-07:00

Things that are good:

I'm meeting with my boss to discuss my work projects and my raise...

I got an invitation for a 2nd Interview from a prestigious, well-known national non profit. Fingers xed.

Beanie lets me chase her. She crawls to outlawed things like electrical cords, and I say "No! Beanie! No!" and she laughs and starts going faster towards these things, and I scoop her up and put her elsewhere, or I crawl after her. I'm trying to make it so when I say "I'm gonna git you!" she will laugh hysterically and try to "run away". So far, it's only when she's doing something not so smart, so I need to make that less of a "game" and make the "game" part the whole "crawling away/come get me" thing. It's really adorable.

Beanie ate big people chicken last night and pasta. I smooshed it up a bit and fed it to her with my fingers, but she loves protein and pasta. I don't know what I'm going to do with all the little jars of spinach I bought...maybe make dipping sauce?

Beanie slept through the night once I took her to bed with me. At first she was lullingly upset, sort of not quite asleep, but not hungry, and PF was marching her around the living room at 1 AM. I went out and got her and she fell asleep with me. She rarely does that. It was so precious.

Things that are bad:

I really need my medical coverage to start now. My short term hospital only policy ended on Friday. I need info on my new PPO stat.

I have had about 40 phone interviews with Polish kids today, one guy flirted with me and made me super uncomfy.

I feel bloated. And headachey/neck achey.

I had a major headache yesterday and only when I was getting ready for bed did I realize much of my pain was from my sore sunburn from standing outside much of the early afternoon. Beanie, with her melanin, thankfully did not have even a blush of pink.

I hate the sun.

Well, I love it and I hate it. I hate that it burns my skin in 30 seconds flat. I hate that it hurts my eyes and gives me floaters. However, I am really loving how warm it is. I could use it now as someone's blasting the AC here at work and there's an actual breeze.

I also like how the sun kisses my kid. I love the way my daughter looks sitting on my hip with the sun glinting on her eyes. She looks like she's quietly reveling in the summertime of it all.

Ah, Beanie. I'm gonna git you...

2006-05-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

We tried to go swimming on Sunday. I took some pics of me and my jabba the hut belly, and even though they were cute with us both in our swimsuits, no f*cking way am I posting them. Beanie got mad at me because the water was so cold, so her magical swimming pool experience lasted all of 2 seconds until she realized that yes, water is actually cold. PF said she was a little panicked in the bath the next time he put her in, until she realized this time the water was WARM.

I let her hang out in her new swimsuit on the couch eating dried apricots. She has no teeth (well, the one just popped it's tip out, so technically, she has about 1/16 of a baby tooth now), so she just sort of scrapes them with her gums until all the soft stuff has been pulled out, and then she drops the skin on the floor. I have a feeling this is probably one of those choking hazard things we are supposed to be diligent about removing from her sight, but she LIKES them. And she eats them relatively properly even though they are sour and apricoty. And it doesn't seem to make her have more gas, she's a farty little kid as it is. Like mother, like daughter.

We have had no poop for ages. Okay, 3 days with only one normal poop seems like ages. I was shocked last night, I repeat, shocked, when the faintly icky scent from my child turned out to be wee wee and that Seamas had given her face a bath. I have been wondering why my kid tends to smell faintly of wet dog and dog ears, which is not totally unpleasant, but it is unexpected on a baby. She basically crawls over to him whenever she can and jumps on him and he licks her head and her mouth and face until we catch them at it and yelp "NO KISSES!" Seamas always skulks off caught, and Beanie laughs and laughs at us.

Beanie is Remotely Interested

The beanie mommy

2006-05-01T09:34:00.000-07:00

I had a job interview on Friday. It would allow me to work from home most days, at least the first year. Which would be GREAT for me and beanie. I don't feel like I got it, though, and that is lame of me, because I knew the person interviewing me, and if you can't wow someone you know, well, you just suck. Other than the fact that I don't have enough experience doing what they want, I think they want someone with more media experience. I have some, not a lot, and while I'm comfortable speaking articulately in front of crowds, I have fucked up lots of public speeches as well.

So maybe it's a good thing I don't feel 100% about the interview. I like where I work. A lot. I think my boss is going to be a top person politically/internationally, and I'm not sure about the global economy as a whole, but he's got a niche. And I like working here in general, the people are very smart and sweet. Not one backstabber in the bunch, and I've never had that before. I've always been the sweet, goofy person working in a political hotbed of connivers. Not here. All my coworkers are generous, decent, hardworking, college educated people. not snide little jerks. Not self righteous pricks.

So, what I'm saying is, if I don't get the high-paying-telecommuting job with a prestigious non profit, I will be perfectly okay with a 5-7.5% raise here where I am. It's the kind of place you get bonuses and raises every year, maybe every 6 months depending on how productive you are.

I need to be productive. My deadline to buy a safe, family/commuter car is now May 20. I have 20 days to get my shit together and buy something usable.

Oh yeah. This is world O' beanie.

Beanie just had one of the worst weekends on record for diapering and diaper related issues. Her vjj and nethers were swollen and blistered and cracking on Friday. It happened between diaper changes, and was caused by yeast. When I saw it, I thought "this is what a yeast rash looks like, I'm 100% sure I need lotrimin." But since I'm no doctor, I got on the horn and called to find out. And the told me to go to urgent care. So, my little familia packed into the ancient, decrapitated volvo and drove miles and miles out to the OTHER burbs on the far side of Sacto to go see a doctor. And we waited until after 9 to see him. And he said "she needs lotrimin."

I shoulda been a doctor.

Anyway, long story short, and minus pics that could get me into trouble, yeast on a baby looks like a really bad burn. It's swollen, delineated, spotty, oozing, and crusted. It has little pustules, but since I slapped whole milk organic plain yogurt on my kid because I figured it could do no harm, the doctor said it didn't "look exactly like yeast infection" and on closer inspection, the pustules HAD cleared a bit. Yogurt IS magical. Between lotrimin applications which are 2+ times a day (depending on poopage amount and consistency), I apply and feed yogurt. The good news is that as of yesterday, her poop was only once and in the morning. The previous two days were about 8-10 diarrheas each. Ugh. On top of teething.

Beanie is a crawling maniac lately. But if you leave the room for a heartbeat, she will chase you down weeping. Head down, sniffling and crying, crawling pathetically toward the door you just walked through. I actually stood detachedly in the hallway watching this pathetic display with my toothbrush in hand until she touched my foot. "Oh! Mommy is right here! The world is okay again!" This cracks me up to no end, and I wonder if I have a drama kid. I really, really, really hate drama kids. I will take a neeyerd or a horse girl over any sort of drama kid. Probably because I was a semi-drama kid. You know the type. They stand in front of everyone and make announcements. They cry at the drop of a hat. They gesticulate and pose. They call acting "craft."
I hate them.

Beanie chews with her mouth closed. We know because we fed her little pieces of mac and cheese last night, and she was VERY keen on it. And she smiled with the bit of rubbery pasta right there, and then she'd work it on her gums until she could swallow it, and then she'd think about it for a second and open up like a little bird for some more. So cute! I watched her so carefully and was trying not to giggle/jiggle her because I'm terrified of her choking. But she handled it well. No problem.

Kid takes after her dad and his pasta fetish.

Figures.

2006-04-27T09:20:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those days where everything is RIGHT ON TIME, and yet, everything still feels totally off? I put my hair in pigtails. Looks good from the front. I felt the back, however, in the car, and I mangled it. I wore linen trousers today because it's going to be 85 degrees. And of course, they are pre-wrinkly. I missed my turn off my favorite commuter secret passageway, and nearly crashed into a cop car trying to change lanes. I decided to go right and try again. I was still within my normal "10 minutes late" to work time frame, no matter how crazy my morning was.

Still. My psychic abilities are telling me SOMETHING bad is going to happen to me today. I'm waiting. Maybe my computer will explode midpost.

Beanie ran out of amoxicillin 2 doses early. I called the Pharmacist and chatted with him. He said we're fine, we probably got a higher concentration of medicine and lower concentration of water, which he thought was weird, but I insisted that we'd gone out to buy a special graduated baby medicine dropper because "2.5 ML" of milky white medicine is a ridiculous amount to try to eyeball. So, that was the conclusion, that she's fine. I can still hear wheezing, but she seems a LOT happier. I am hoping her diarrhea clears up as well, that's misery in a diaper. My poor kid.

I fully intend to video-catch her creeping and crawling as soon as I can. I will post my traditional 15 seconds of cuteness as soon as I am able. It's pretty cute, though. We have to keep the screen closed and I think I have to spend my state refund on netting for the balcony because I think she will figure out how to open the screen soon. We have a very mechanically inclined baby. She likes buttons, moving parts, wires, dangerous things, pointy sharp things, slicey things, hot things, and she eats books. yep.

Beanie turned 8 months old at 3:08 AM this morning. How crazy is it that I have an 8 month old kid? Already?

Every day is magical.

Except last night when I have a vague memory of trying to lecture a very exhausted PF about how "stay at home" means, to me, that the working nursing mom needs to sleep NO MATTER WHAT. While standing Naked with a capital N in the hallway. I think I just need earplugs for her late night silliness. When a kid wants to play at 11 PM, we need to adjust our family sleep patterns, or get earplugs.

That said, I highly recommend kids to anyone so inclined, it's an amazing, amazing thing to be around to watch them discover things. THAT'S the part that makes you feel young, the whole "Oh shit, I remember when I discovered that too!" It will make you happy and melancholic in the best recuerdo type ways.

Beanie, go to sleep.

Her favorite bedtime books (or rather, my favorite bedtime books) are Time for Sleep and Good Night Moon. We also read Pat The Bunny and a few others, but they amp her up.

Love,

Mamey.

2006-04-24T14:57:00.000-07:00

this was a very busy weekend for a sick little beanie. She doesn't actually KNOW she's sick; she just sort of coughs up her lungs, wheezes, craps big acid diarrheas, and fights us when we try to apply amoxicillin or albuteryl to her shiny little lips. She has figured out how to spit.

So, we dragged her to Liv and Tim's wedding. We were only planning to stay until 7, but we stayed until 9. So, Beanie's amoxicillin diarrheas weren't too bad that evening, and her poor red butt has been clearing up. It doesn't look like diaper rash. It looks more like someone dabbed battery acid around her bumhole. It's horrible. She's not keen on it either. The dilemma: let her air out between diapers and then suffer the consequences when she poops on the carpet, or diaper her up with ointments and such. We use both ploys to rid her of this dreaded red. It's painful.

So, we dragged her off on Saturday. She was very good. Everyone loves the beanie. She wore a linen easter type dress and panies. She eventually pooped them, and luckily I think ahead and bring extra clothes. My poor kid conked OUT that evening. Just passed out. She is usually up with her dad until midnight on weekdays, so it was weird to have her conk so soon.

On Sunday I woke up extra early and rammed a bunch of clothes into the washing machines and told PF "I'm going to Michael's for felt and a glue gun. Watch the beanie." And when I came home, I glued together a Peep Outfit. And we headed to the Annual Peep Off. Beanie ate no peeps, neither did her mother, but her brother Seamas ate 4 allowed peeps and god knows how many he ate without permission. PF ate 5. Sadie and Sage were present, and we joked there would be a separate kid's peep off next year, by age. The Peep Off BBQ went well. Thankfully, no armadillo. I did roll out a flank steak, which scared people for some reason. I guess when you are used to knowing there have been years with bull testes or armadillo on the BBQ, something benign like a flank steak could be intimidating. Afterwards, we headed over to Bill and Karen's to pick up some mail for the PF, and ended up staying late for Pizza and the Soprano's. Bill joked he would lock us in the house until the pizza was eaten if we didn't stay, and he's a locksmith, so with that sort of incentive, of course we ate our fill and watched a bunch of goombas eating Eyetalian food on TV.

A good weekend.

We are all still sick. But this weekend was fun nonetheless.

I am told Beanie went back to sleep after I left for work and crashed out for another 3 hours or so.

My kid knows how to sleep, I tells ya.

2006-04-19T16:49:00.000-07:00

Poor sick little beanie...

Mommy looks much worse.

Bleck. When will this nightmare of sick end???

2006-04-16T19:26:00.000-07:00

We are all sick here. Like plague. I woke up this morning at 6 am struggling to breathe and all I could think of was "this is what it's like to be Moe!" Waited until 9 am somehow, called my dad to come listen to my lungs. He barely understood me because my voice is completely shot. My poor baby is sick too.

My poor darling girl.

Her lungs are clear, but we're going to get her to see the pediatrician tomorrow. Just to be safe. She's definitely got malaise, but her lungs so far sound good. PF seems like his lungs are clear as well, no breathing problems, but he's got the horrible cough. Ugh. Will this sickness ever END???

Although sick, Beanie is so cute lately. At least we had nothing planned this weekend that couldn't be canceled gracefully. Because me and my sick ass sat home adoring my kid and her antics. Even her productive cough is cute.

She has started "creeping". Nearly crawling. She'll get it soon. She can pull herself and push herself across a floor, and climb things, and pull up. But she gets tripped up on the hand-after-knee choreography that facilitated the 'crawl' itself. But she'll get there.

I can't believe how brilliant and beautiful and precious she is. She's the light of my life.

Maybe I should just completely wean her. She does eat crackers, pancakes and frozen waffles.

She's FINALLY got teeth coming in as well. Two nubbins on her front lower gums. Pefect little gummy hard domes.

Precious.

2006-04-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

We went to the Ninja's house for Baby Sage's first bday. Very fun time had by all. Except Roan, the big sister who came down with a fever and puked after everyone went home, poor kid.

It was nice to get out and visit with folks, especially since PF's been under the weather and the weather has been hellishly rainy the past couple of months. I honestly think staying indoors makes you sick because you are exposed to more germs, and the rain keeps you indoors, so you're sicker when it's miserable out, and that just double whammies your psyche.

It makes me tired.

Beanie and PF were both sick yesterday. They were burning up with fever. I came home early, responding to a sad little call from the PF who needed some attending to, and came home to poor sick daddy cleaning up milky white barf off our red, red carpeting. I sent him to bed, tended to my kid, and made broth and rice for dinner. I also fed them both tylenol until beanie was her normal squeaky happy self again. She did have a few screams, but I would rub her tum and make it feel better. She had a stealth diarrhea last night, I kept checking the smell, but it was so light in color I couldn't see any doody. Poor kid. I just thought she was gassy. When I did FINALLY change her, I noted the distinctly watery stuff and apologized.

At 3AM, she barfed on us. I didn't hear the retching, but I felt the hot puke hit my arm (she sleeps with us). She looked as bewildered by it as we both were, 3 AM barf carnage. I stumbled into the bathroom, grabbed a wet towel, wiped up the bulk of it, turned the coverlet around, and gave PF a new onesie to dress her in. She seems to be a LOT BETTER since she had her huge puke. PF feels great today as well, he called to report another diarrhea diaper. Poor kid. She only had one oz of formula today on top of her 3 oz of breastmilk and whatever she got this morning during her nursing. But when you're sick, your appetite is off. I told PF where the pedialite was so that he could keep her hydrated. My darling little family, I am so worried!! It's that damned cursed stomach virus again, I KNOW IT. Probably re-caught it at the bday party, but it's very similar in nature to whatever I had on March 1, and I think I must have had it already because I'm not sick.

My gpa gave us a scare. He's got a pig valve that has lasted about 6 years past it's expiration date. He went in to the hospital on Saturday morning for congestive heart failure. I about had a heart attack myself thinking about it. They gave him some diuretics and told him to stay off the salt; his valve is still going strong, so it must've been a VERY GOOD PIG. So, no heart failure yet. But he's not going to "fix" anything if it goes wrong again, which is sad, but understandable. The fella IS 86. I love him so. I'm glad he met this little Beanie. She's very life affirming. That's why I went to the bday party after getting this news; babies are truly life affirming for me.

I do have a headache, however.

And a gimoungous pimple growing on the side of my nose.

Boo stress!

Here is Beanie attacking a pancake (pre diarrhea issues, of course):

I love that kid...

2006-04-05T11:08:00.000-07:00

Yeah, those pics from Walmart are just horrible. I am still crossing my fingers that the actual pictures will be better than the disk versions (they look so overexposed and lo-res.)

Our beanie has started growling and hissing. She sounds like either a pirate or a pissed off iguana. She gets the most hilarious kick out of making us laugh when she does this. We walk around saying "Arrgggh" to see if we can prompt her to start up. She knows what the voice recorder does, so if I try to turn it on, she becomes too interested in it and starts pawing and/or chewing on it and forgets to growl.

I can't stand it to think of it, it's too funny. I will try to capture a good one when she's not paying attention and then I will load it onto this blog...

PF hates his photo on the internet, but this one is so cute...Beanie's sleeping, Seamas is a donut, and Shabazz is standing on beanie getting his loves...all on our tiny little loveseat.

Boy. We need a real couch...

2006-04-03T11:52:00.000-07:00

A tanker fell over on the freeway I use today. Luckily, I was well in advance of it, because I heard about it on the radio. I also had some hydroplaning issues on my other freeway of choice, the 160. On the third one I realized it was not the wind, but rather, my wheels not on pavement. I nearly crashed each time, but turned into the plane. I am so glad I took, and paid attention to, my driver training. It was really scary and I am dreading my drive home.

This rain has got me beat. I'm taking the truck tomorrow just for the sheer tire traction. I wish the rain would stop, it's making my apartment sort of damp and dismal

I may just be having a really bad day. It IS my least favorite day of the year: Spring Fucking Ahead, You Lot. I hate it so much, if it was a dog, I'd kick it. My alarm went off at 5:55 and I hit it. In my world, it was really 4:55. Life sucked from then on out.

I did manage to drag the Beanie to the dreaded Walmart to try out their photo special. I thought I was getting a bargain, but most of the pics came out so-so. I also bought the picture disk, which is not a CD, therefore the pictures are NOT high resolution. They are okay for the internut, so I am posting them below. Notice my slackjawed child who kept putting plastic props in her mouth...

The Easter Beanie

Beanie foregoes the plastic apple for the plastic sno-ball

Beanie asks "What Would Jeebus Do?"

I really hope the picture packages come out a LOT better than these did. If not, I'm going to JC Penny's for the next round. These suckers actually hurt my eyeballs to look at...it it just me??

2006-03-28T16:23:00.000-08:00

My work computer is driving me nuts...you'd think I could handle something like "slow", but I can't. I had to ask someone else to open a file on their computer for a client because my computer basically revolted and staged a coup while I was on the phone talking to the person. It went on unauthorized hiatus.

That said, when I get another computer I will have to ghost all my files. There are adorable pictures on this computer...like this one:

Cutest thing ever.

I have been a little sick lately. Beanie's a trooper, though. She barely notices when I have a coughing attack when she's nursing. Sometimes she will eye me to make sure I'm all right, but mostly she just snugs in closer and tries to stay away from my bad breath. I hate being sick. PF is a little groggy and has a cough as well. Beanie? I always think she's faking unless she's coughing in her sleep. I keep listening to her little chest for crackling sounds. I take comfort in the fact that I know how to spot RSV if it happens. She did get a little of the weird stomach bug that's going around. I got really sick, Beanie filled 4 diapers in one day, and PF was sort of off his stride, so I think it was the Norovirus. It hit some cruise ship recently and the sheer volume of puke and poop apparently stranded the liner and it had to dump its load in international waters. Just kidding. It got 130 passengers, though. I read the description, talked to my dad, and now I'm totally convinced. If you get it, it's worth 2 days of sick, but you will have to take at least one day off work to get through the roughest part.

In other news, I have a very very sick kitty. Shabazz went to the Vet last night after hours. I took Beanie as well, she sat in the sling and helped hold Shabazz down. My cat is a crystal maker. Apparently he should be comatose with the number of crystals in his little bladder. I noticed the funny walk, I noticed the peeing outside the litter box. I noticed he looks a little oily. I talked to some vets. I finally took him in when I saw him walk slowly and give up. I usually give him wet food with water and salt, and a baytril if necessary to relieve the pressure and infection. The vet squeezed him, checked his urine, said "no blood, amazing." and gave him a shot of antibiotic and vitamin C. He perked up immediately. I have to take away all dry food and only give him wet. I'd alreayd bought a box of wet food from Target earlier that day when I ran over there on my lunch to pick up some babyfood and cough syrup. The cat food, unfortunately was damaged in the box and open and rotting. 4 of the 12 cans are unusable, and PF doesn't want me to open the dented cat food cans at all. Here's how you know I'm sick: I was terrified that the smell was my bad breath. Little did I know I had rotting whitefish in my car until I opened it up to go home. I sat in traffic with that box wanting to vomit and knowing I did not really want to open it to see what was inside.

This should stand as testament to my love of my cat.

As for Beanie, she seemed very interested in what was going on with the cat. I think she'll be a veterinarian. Which will work out well if my evil plan to win the lottery and retire works out: I want to run some sort of hobby/sanctuary farm for alpacas and miniature donkeys and cows and goats. And cats and dogs. And guinea pigs. And frogs.

I'd be her biggest client.

Maybe I will buy Neverland Ranch.

2006-03-20T12:41:00.000-08:00

More pics of my kid.

There was a St. Paddy's Day event on Friday, we headed over to the Hof Brau for some corned beef action. We stood in a crazy long line, commandeered a large table, and took shifts for food delivery. For $5.79 a plate, that's not hard work. We had a good time with our Ninja friends. Pics below.

This weekend was rough. We drove out to the parentals to pack up yet another volvo-load. My parents treated us to my mom's new favorite food: the Jewish Deli. She loves this place, Sam's. My dad took a million pictures of beanie doing beanie things (like the water glass and the "hey, gravity!" dropping of toys) Anyway. We then went home to unload all of our crud... I shot over to Amanda's place for some Hustle and Flow minus the beanie, which can be a treat. I have to say, Hustle and Flow was not so good. It was relatively disappointing. It was very preteen-after school special, but the anti-hero is a pimp, not a pimply nerd kid. Also, it has too many bad words for after school specials, but it DOES have, count 'em, TWO hookers with hearts of gold. So, not worth the rent. I went back to my beanie.

Sunday I got up early, shaved my dog, took a shower with the Beanie (who doesn't like showers), and headed out to a Bday party for our friend Declan. He's an adorable little boy who cried when he realized the cake icing wouldn't come off his hands. So cute. Beanie was a mellow baby (as per her usual) and we left after a few hours. To come home and do laundry. I was aching at the end of the night and fell into bed after some show I HAD to watch. Beanie went to sleep quickly. We were comatose until 6 AM.

I was still late to work because I nursed beanie for too long this morning. She needs her nus.
bedroom beanie
Here is a movie of beanie playing on the bed.

2006-03-14T13:11:00.000-08:00

One of the cutest things ever is my daughter trying to drink from a cup. She watches people drinking, and smacks her lips. So, as a joke, I started putting cups and glasses to her mouth.

Well, she picked it up quickly, and now she will make it known she wants her "own glass" and will take water like a Big Girl.

Spills occur, but the best is the "ahhhhh" sound she makes at the end.

If I had my digital voice recorder, I would have captured it. Instead, you just have to watch the video. Warning: cuteness overload.

And I like this site so much: www.orisinal.com

The bubbles and lady bugs game makes me think of my daughter when she finally gets around to having more mobility...

Mile Stone: Beanie Turned Over Last Night! This of course pales to the sitting milestone that she met a month ago. Still. I've been waiting. I guess the next thing is crawling?

Mobility is coming fast...

~Beanie's Happy Momma

2006-03-08T10:11:00.000-08:00

Took some cute pics of the Beanie recently.

Here's a little movie of her playing...Beanie Playing

and she's taken to allowing us to put hats and hoods on her.

She's not afraid of dogs. This is a good thing, since we have a dog, but it's a bad thing, since she let other people's dogs french kiss her on Sunday. But I'm hoping to instill "dog dominance" in her, so she's not scared and so she says "no" and "sit" to dogs who are chasing or threatening her. I know dogs respond to strength in your voice, because Seamas got into a fight today with a neighbor's dog (the neighbors have a dog that is always at large and who is a little distrustful of people, but seemed okay with Seamas. Till today.) And that dog was very embarrassed when I had to tell her "No, Off, Stop it." She listened, and was very sad that Seamas snubbed her after that happened. But that's how it is. If you attack a nice person or a nice dog, they don't have anything to do with you. Beanie just watched the whole thing from my sling and I was really glad I didn't need to put her down so I could break it up manually. I need to go talk to those owners because it's unacceptable that they are not outside with their dog when she's obviously a loose cannon. And the Beanie? Unfazed by the whole experience. She still likes dogs.

And so do I.

2006-03-03T15:41:00.000-08:00

6 Month Check Up:

Got her vaccinations. She didn't like it one bit. No real reaction, but she's been fussier this week than normal. No teeth yet. The one we thought was a tooth was actually another cyst, and it must have popped because by the time we got her to the pediatrician for her check up, it was already gone. She is teething though. We got that confirmed. We just need to wait for the actual teeth. But that could happen at any time. Here I thought she was cutting teeth at 2 months...I'm an idiot.

15 lbs 12 oz, 16.75 inch head circumference, 25.5 inches long. She's still in the 50th percentile and growing well. She can also sit up beautifully all by herself (this is a big deal apparently, both nurses made a huge thing about it and I was just happy because I can set her on the ground when I'm in the bathroom and not worry about her falling over) and drinks water from small cups that she will help lift to her own mouth. She says "Ah" after drinking and slips her little tongue out to lick her lips. It's too cute for words.

Beanie is like the opera star in her own beautiful show. What I mean by that is, she's apparently a virtuoso coloratura soprano, and there's no warning for when she wants to hit the high notes.

It's like a quiet little sweet voice singing "da da ba AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" shrieking and my ears ring for a few seconds. Just thinking about it hurts a little.

While painfully cute, it's also actually adorable on the phone. She's responding to voices when you put the phone up instead of breathing and snuffling and trying to lick the mouthpiece. I said "Beanie! It's Mommy! Mommy loves you!" and she said "ohhhh ahh! {shriek!!!}" And I need to record these things because it just doesn't translate...

In any case, I'm still pumping like mad (on Friday I got orca milk (thank you mel for that term) because I think I was getting sick) at work and having my boobs get milk shy when people wander in and out of the office without knocking.

My boss said we were probably moving to Folsom, which would be a long hellish drive for me, but nicer because I'll have my own office. I'd be by my mom and dad too. So if they get their house cleaned up, maybe PF would let my mom watch her granddaughter. My parents would love that, but they are the laziest most arthritic, sleepy people I've ever met in my life. Which would mean while Beanie would get loved and cuddled and fed well, she couldn't be put down on the floor. Nor would she get Walks in the Fresh Air very often, simply because, well, my parents do not walk. It's probably a pipe dream that they'd ever get it together enough to have her at their house, but I'll smoke that pipe if it's passed to me. I should start looking into day care options out by where my work is moving. That would be the smart thing to do.

I also mentioned that we should probably think about moving back towards that area of the county, to lessen my commute time, and PF nearly blew a gasket, which is understandable. We're stuck where we are for the time being, so I don't mind doing it until our lease is up, but I certainly would need to move closer. I need to be close to my baby in an emergency.

I've been sickly lately. Luckily, I know it's not the flu, so I'm not worried about Beanie. Although her ear smelled off, like the fragrance of a dog's ear that is sour and about to get infected, so I dripped breastmilk down it (she's been crying desperately as well, so I decided it must be the start of an ear infection) because it's the miracle cure. And I also had PF give her tylenol. She passed out and I cuddled her for hours on end.

I love my sweet little darling girl. I get tears in my eyes thinking about how special she is and how lucky I am.

~A Little Beanie's Mommy

2006-02-08T08:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I started working again. I like it so far. Very quiet office, lots to read. But the hours are killing me. I actually LIKE getting up early. 6 AM rolls around and I hit snooze twice and pop into the shower. I got to nurse beanie this morning (yesterday she noticed I was missing around 7:30 and I was so scared I'd hit traffic while I nursed her on the couch, both nunus.) But today she snacked between snooze alarms and I got both nunus emptied before my wake up completely shower.

I like that.

What I don't like: now that I'm working, I'm seriously exhausted by 10 PM. I had to force myself to watch L&O SVU last night. I wanted to go to bed, but I couldn't because the Beanie was full of piss and vinegar. Well, not really piss and vinegar, but the happier equivalent; she was squealing with joy and touching my face and patting my nunus and saying "nigh nigh nigh" over and over again and kicking me with her little duck paddle feet. Which is what she does when she wants to play. So I had to get her dad in there to take her from me so that I could fall asleep. Even though she nods off in my arms during TV time, she's bound to wake up if I transfer her to the bed and brush my teeth. If it's late enough I can crawl in next to her and she will nurse a few sucks and sigh and completely fall asleep. Nice for me when that happens, and that's been our MO all this time. Except that happens around 11 or 12, not 10. And Ten PM is now when my body collapses under its own weight.

I despise the Ferber method, even though I've never tried it. I heard someone say that he discredited himself recently on Dr. Phil or something, but I can't find any mention of it on Google. And so...

I'm thinking about trying it.

I never thought it would come to this. Letting my baby scream.

PF will freak out if she's screaming longer than 3 minutes. I don't know if we can actually do this...

We'll have to talk about it.

Actually, having him take her from me after I've nursed her and she's not ready to crash worked just fine. He put her to bed with me when she was really out and I remember vaguely that he eventually came to bed after Leno. But only vaguely...

~Beanie's Workin' Maman

2006-02-01T21:24:00.000-08:00

I wanted to announce that the Beanie has learned the "sympathy cough", where a baby will cough to get your attention so you say "oh poor baby, are you okay?" And she will do it over and over again. Between that and Seamas' "I have new house diarrhea, take me out ever 15 minutes to squirt" issues, I am the most sympathetic person on the planet.

Beanie also likes The Gorrilaz. It was the only thing that calmed her down today.

Hopefully this explains why mom is now drunk as a skunk. Thank you, Forest Hill Winery.

~Beanies red wino mommy

2006-01-20T17:20:00.000-08:00

It has been AGES since I posted. Things they don't tell you about newborns but is pretty much common sense: if they sleep all day, they are up all night and vice versa. My daughter screamed all the way down to Los Angeles in between her napping fits. And she's definitely found her thumb.

I came home with a very decrepit Volvo sedan with weird crud flaking off the ceiling and into your eyeballs. I will not be surprised if after the trifling 3 months I intend to drive this car to and fro that my child ends up with some form of nightmare lung infection. Hopefully I do not jinx myself. But like I said, I would not be surprised. Although Volvos are extremely safe.

Beanie is a giggler. You can get her to laugh at the drop of a hat. You can say "Booga boog" and the kid cracks up. And she really likes exersaucers. Those are the alterno to the ubiquitous "walker" that babies seem to have had since the beginning of time. It's like a walker, because you put the baby into a sling seat, but then it's not, because it doesn't go anywhere. Rather, it tilts around on a tilty base, and the seat can move 360 degrees and each part of the circular tray has some sort of toy affixed to it. Really smart, safe place to put a baby. Every time she turns around, she's forgotten the toys behind her and squeals with joy. She goes CRAZY in this thing. I have pictures to prove it.

Anyway. Last night we took her to Rudy's Hideaway. I got a gimoungous prime rib dinner, and my mom got prawns. I highly recommend their artichoke appetizer. We stayed long enough for the Elvis impersonator to sing Lucky Charm and Love Me Tender to Beanie. I gave him $2.

Love,

Beanie's Momma

2005-12-28T12:11:00.000-08:00

I'm totally having her second birthday here.

That is, unless Sacramento washes away. This winter is going to be brutal rains. Not that I mind so much, I know what kind of rains we get sometimes, but I think all the recent transplants will freak out if their streets flood a little. Could get bad, though. The levees aren't holding all that well anymore, I keep thinking of the break a year or more ago that flooded a Delta island and killed acres of farmland.

Anyway. As long as I have a ladder, baby sling and a dog harness, I can lug my children up to the attic or the roof.

And I think we'll have our own roof soon; looks like we're buying my sister's 1st house from her this year.

Surreal.

~Beanies Momma

2005-12-16T10:22:00.000-08:00

beanie laughing

That is a wav of the beanie laughing her baby ass off followed by me singing, which is just bloody awful but I can't edit it out because I BOUGHT A CHEAPO recorder with crap software. Still. I can may wav files and upload them. That rocks, non?

And this is a day at the zoo and the crazy giraffes are going WACKO on us.

And finally, Pirate Beanie.

Yes. A week in MY life with the beanie.

~Momma Bean

2005-12-13T12:44:00.000-08:00

Notice how this guy is JUST NOT SMILING. But my beanie?? She looks adorable...Sigh. The world has turned upside down and hell has frozen over. I dressed my baby up and sat her on santa's lap.

~Beanie's Xmas Crazy Mommy

2005-12-11T17:06:00.000-08:00

We've had a really busy few weeks. Beanie has ensured that I have no time on the computer generally. Add that to the fact that I'm insanely busy even without working, and I don't know what I'll do when I go back on the jobbo. I've applied for two positions that have fantabulous benefits that would cover me, the beanie, and the PF no problem. Plus the pay ain't so bad. We'll see what happens, my resume is being passed around to higher ups.

In other news, we got pictures with Santa yesterday. The photographer was at a bank, so if you opened a youth saver account, you got more than just the free 5"X7" photo. I found out about this after I deposited $50, so I went up later and asked the guy to print out my others. This took forever, so he said he'd email them to me. Bonus! Wo I will post as soon as I receive the promised pic. Except here's the thing. SANTA IS NOT SMILING. Normally you can't tell these things, except when you look at him, he's staring blankly at the camera. Beanie is guffawing on his lap (and he's holding her like she's going to dump any second), but Santa is more like Satan. Not really. But honestly?? Who let's a child unfriendly guy be santa?? I ask you?

Dude. There would not be a problem if it was a Happy Buddha photo opp. Buddha would be chuckling it up all sweaty and fat with my beanie any day.

After pictures with Santa, I took beanie to a wedding. She was already dressed up for the xmas themed event, so it was a perfect segue. We then hit Second Saturday with some friends.

Beanie slept until 11:30 AM.

Rock On, my little beanie weenie!

~Beanie's WACK mommy.

2005-11-28T20:10:00.000-08:00

Well, we are back from LA. Beanie pooed twice in 5 days. I am told this is normal. She's pretty regularly an every-other-day kinda pooper. I know, because I love to watch her face when she is doing her number. It's not exactly stealth bomber action, lemme just say. The squeezey face I am posting below is usually accompanied with a strange urgent grunting noise and her tongue poking out, like someone concentrating very hard...

In any case, we made it there and back alive. Pictures with my nana are adorable. Everything about my nana was adorable, even her lost mind. I miss her so much, I don't know what I will do when she's actually gone. My kid got to meet her, though. That's what is important. Today was my grandmother's 84th birthday. She's a grand old gal, truly.

The beanie hit 13 weeks over this Thanksgiving weekend. She's old hat at everything. She even "talks" to people and sits up (with a little help) and stands for long periods (with supportive leaning). I'm worried she'll be bowlegged with all her standing. I'm worried she's autistic because she doesn't grab at things yet and stares at things across the room. I'm worried she doesn't get enough tummy time and will have a fucked up neck because I'm too lame to MAKE her strengthen it even though tummy down is her least favorite thing in the whole wide world.

She does like Pat The Bunny though.

Anyone know where I can find a possum costume???

~Beanie's Silly and Ridiculous Mommy

2005-11-22T21:01:00.000-08:00

I have the WORST time remembering the username and password for this blog.

Spent the weekend with the Beanie in SF. It was weird. I felt a little like some alien space creature. This is because BABIES ARE RARE in SF. Seriously. Everyone wants to hold her. Strangers. And I let them. I'm insane, I know. But I keep thinking "what could possibly happen? She's exposed to a new germ that I'm sure I have the antibody to; she could be stolen (but that's bloody unlikely with me standing there); she could be dropped, but that could happen no matter who's holding her; she could cry. A waitress at the Herbivore took her in back to meet the staff because she had a 6 month old boy and all the cooks had new babies. Everyone was thrilled. I sat at my seat anxiously thinking "how dumb am I? I'm not supervising someone with my newborn." And then the waitress brought back my grinning gummed beanie with a spoon in her hand. My kid is an interactor. It's already happening. And she interacts with people and I wonder if this magical thing is going to keep going or if she's going to have the normal response to strangers most kids end up with; the fear thing.

I heartily admit I'm a bit of an idiot, and don't intend to hand her off to the next waitress that comes my way. But I don't want to overreact. I'm in this weird quandary where I don't want to be insulting, but I don't want my kid swiped either. And I usually give in to the "go ahead and hold her" thing because really, how often DO kids disappear to stranger kidnappings? Nearly never.

But it scares the shit out of me. And I hate that I hand her off just to challenge my own discomfort.

She's being very cute lately. We stayed all weekend in SF and visited bunches of people and walked all over. And we bought some cheese.

Tomorrow we leave for a very long drive to LA to visit the Great-Grandparentals for TG. Should be interesting...

~Beanie's Crazy Mama

2005-11-10T17:35:00.000-08:00

Beanie Weenie. She went to the bars with us last night.

Not really. Actually, we had book club at the Bonnlair and I took Beanie because she was with me. I had 2 sprites. Which is horrible, because they are loaded with sugar. But it was either sprite or diet coke, because they didn't have nonalky beers and I felt like a freak for wanting to order tap water.

I miss beer. But I cannot fathom the potential wreckage of my baby's liver if I were to say, drink a beer, nurse her, and then give her baby tylenol for her teething. It's too much for a little tyke. And I can't afford to fix her if she breaks, so I will keep away from the booze. But I can't say that I like the fact that I plan on doing that. Once she's weaned, I'm on the beer again. Sure, I drink it at night after she's asleep, because she won't wake up again to breastfeed for awhile. But I can't do the boob and booze and feel good about myself. I'd feel like a child abuser. And I guess I kind of would be.

I have been thinking a lot about parenting. I'm a good mommy. I know this. I'm probably better at the mommy thing than most people would be and/or are. I don't think I was born that way, but I definitely have the empathy for baby down. It's probably why I was so good working with nonverbal disabled adults. Anyone who can't speak english aloud and wears diapers, I can take great care of. It's me that is failing me.

I don't bathe that often anymore. And when I do, it's quick and to the point. I don't luxuriate in the tub. I don't have nice shower soap. Rarely do I find myself spritzed with perfume or rubbed with deodorant. I don't paint my nails. I don't floss as often as I used to. I don't even use laundry softener anymore. I scrub everything, rinse, and dry. Nothing much else happens. No plucking, no shaving, no primping at all. My hair is either dirty or clean, and no matter what, it's pulled back into two short pigtails. This is, by the way, my vision of asthetic hell.

I did force myself to buy some decent day cream with SPF 15, but only because I am getting liver spots on my face, and how icky is that? What is wrong with me...? I cannot seem to get it together to want to be "pretty" anymore. I hate that I feel that way.

This could just be because I'm a new mom who still only has the vestiges of her shit together. Or it could be (and this is terrifying to me) the way I live now. And forever.

Which means...

Hold on here...

That I'm turning into my MOM.

Jeebus strike me dead now, but that is worthy of suicide if true.

At least I have the beanie and she doesn't care how I look, but she does like her nunus clean and sanitized.

~Beanie Momma

2005-11-06T10:39:00.000-08:00

Beanie is 10 weeks old. I can't believe it. It feels like I had her years ago already, but everything is still super new. I bet that feeling never goes away, even when she's 18.

One of my group list serves was discussing a prop for the special election here in CA on Tuesday. It had to do with abortion, and minors being forced to give parental notification if they are 13 years old (or younger, I guess.) I have a problem with ANY surgery being performed on my daughter without my explicit consent or knowledge, but I wouldn't STOP a procedure like an abortion. I can't imagine what would cause my 13 year old to require an abortion, and it's weird thinking about her little sex organs being pummeled by other sex organs (it's totally unconceivable, actually), so it's hard for me to relate. But as a woman, I know I want access to abortion if I need it. I want it safe, legal, and private. I don't want anyone who desires one to be denied one. It's not like liposuction or tonsilectomy. It's completely different than any of those things because it terminates a potential life. Frankly, I'm okay with that. Not all pregnancies need to come to fruition. Maybe I will go to hell for thinking that abortion is unpleasant but necessary and capital punishment is always wrong, but that's really okay too. I am ethically and morally all right with a woman making her own decision about baby making. The problem is, of course, that a child is not a woman. But again, what would make a 13 year old pregnant? Ignorance? Rape? Incest? Fear? All of these things are avoidable in a better society. Until that proposition says "Parent: your daughter has requested an abortion. If you deny her that option, she will be protected by the courts and put in protective custody", I will be against it. And I firmly believe that any crimes committed by a parent against their pregnant child should be punished to the full extent of the law. This includes abandonment, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and any other fun things crazy parents do to their poor kids to make them afraid. And I'm okay with kids who want to be parents, but I'm a little sketchy about why a little girl would want to be a mommy before she's fully developed herself. Maybe little girls who WANT to get pregnant haven't been mommied properly?? Or daddied properly? Maybe I read too much into the movie Palindromes.

Having a baby should be a joyous, remarkable, beautiful, wonderful, totally wanted, experience. It's not something you can completely enjoy when you haven't finished school, haven't traveled, haven't fallen in love with life and your own self yet. Having a baby is not completing the circle of life, it's continuing it. When you are a child yourself, it's impossible to give everything you are to a baby.

Then again, babies were born to young girls since time began. Only recently in history has it been "normal" to wait until the 20s and 30s to have a first child. Jesus was born to a 13 year old. Not that I'm advocating religion or anything. But I wonder, if abortion was available to Mary, if she'd been smart enough to ask for the right herbs, would she have? She was barely saved a stoning for god's sake, thanks to Joseph, who raised this kid as his own. It probably was, but that's just blasphemy. Right? Right.

Anyway.

Abortion always opens up rhetoric for debate on religion and I hate that. It's a physical thing, not a metaphysical thing, unless you are talking souls and I ain't. Cells are not souls. Wanted babies conceived during baby making sessions are a WHOLE different ballgame than a baby who is conceived during sexual intercourse, and there are no accidents. If you're having sex and you ovulate, barring all infertility issues, you can get pregnant. What it boils down to is what you're comfortable with. If you can live with an abortion, fine. If you can't, fine. But a 13 year old shouldn't have to carry a baby to term just because her parents are creepy fucks who thing a child should be forced to give birth. The reason so many girls had babies over history?? Because so many women died in childbirth, the marriage pool got younger and younger. Now that we live longer and have more value to society beyong dying during birth, we should be able to make more decisions about our own body's validity as well, and that DOESN'T end at the beginning of the uterine cervix.

Man.

My poor baby girl. I'm going to have to fight for her right to avoid being raped, molested, disabused, gawked at, laughed at, snubbed, AND abortion. That's right, I want my kid to avoid an abortion by having all the tools available to her, including kung fu. Crazy, non? I know. I'm crazy.

So I voted no. No, because I want her always to be safe, even if she ends up being secretive and possibly breaking my heart. And that's okay. Because I love her more than I ever thought possible. And nothing, nothing, nothing would ever change that.

~Beanie's Momma

2005-10-31T18:31:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloweenie, Beanie!

2005-10-28T17:56:00.000-07:00

Beanie has been refusing the bottle (or "bob-ba" as we call it here in Beanieville, not that she says it, but I know she'll call it that...all babies do, don't they?) and only wants the nunu. I dunno if that's partly her teething issues, or something else entirely. Like, maybe I taste WONDERFUL. I really couldn't say. It's kind of irritating. I usually get a few breaks from breastfeeding. In fact, I haven't had a single break in 3 days and that's a record.

Beanie hit 2 months yesterday. So cute. She's sleeping in her mayan sling right now. I must have 5 different baby carrier/wearer things.

I have bunches of pictures to upload. But I can't do it. Because my dad has lost my camera cable. PF says I lose my own stuff all the time, which is true, but I generally have a vague idea of where my own stuff is. If I don't, of course I freak out until someone else finds it, but that's mommy brain for ya. I just don't have all my facilities yet. Plus, this house is a SUPER MESS. It's so messy, I'm scared to look from side to side walking down the hallway because it's abominable. A friend recently asked me how I stand it, and I don't. I just tune it out. So, tuning out spots where my stuff may or may not be right now is the only way I get through a day. It's hard for PF to understand that. He gets mad because I am so scatterbrained. But really? I just don't want to look. And that's not normally like me, so he should forgive me. My dad just got mad at me for asking him for the cable again. He swears he didn't misplace it, but it's lost for the second time. He gave me one very similar, and I just tried it, but I definitely need the actual one my camera came with. And I need to find it before hallowe'en, because I need to take some photos of Beanie in her skeleton outfit.

I found a favorite online toy store. www.oompa.com and have been "window" shopping like mad. I can't wait to play with puzzles and stackers and read little books to Beanie. I can't wait to see her eyes light up from discovering something new and fabulous.

~Beanie's Momma

2005-10-25T23:37:00.000-07:00

There's more fun where that came from. At least I think that's what she was trying to tell me today.

No sleep for the Beanie. Nope. Teething again. She came with me to pick up this Universal Car Seat Carrier Thingamajig that is a HIGHLY RECOMMENDED ITEM FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO HAVE A KID EVER. Basically, you avoid the high cost of a crazy travel system (this is the icky giant stroller with the car seat click in/out thingymabob that runs about $200 and is NOT WORTH IT. First of all, the stroller units are totally ridiculously heavy. You do not want to be folding and slapping these around in your trunk while trying to avoid the CD player. Second of all, the car seat itself is only used for what, 6 months? You're stuck with the damn thing and can't give it away/sell it if you get the stroller contraption.

The car seat carrier allows you to have options. You have the options of not breaking the bank, the back, or the baby. It's one hand foldable, it's perfect for the car seat I bought (the evenflo turbo action baby bucket with canopy) and it can hold the car seat front facing or back facing. You can literally open it one handed, and fold it up and swing it back into the trunk without a back spasm. It was invented by someone like me, need I say more? Anyway. I bought it off cragislist from someone who bought it off craigslist, which is why it's probably no longer $60 new, because Kolcraft made them practically indestructible and, AND, you only use it for about 4-6 months, so you just resell it practically unused. I know I'm gonna. They are hard to find in Sacramento, I basically had to hunt it down and wait like a shark for someone to post one.

After my excellent Craigslist purchase, I went to Kmart where I bought about $60 worth of teething freezy thingamabobbers and some cute jersey lined denim overalls for Beanie (they will fit her in about a month when it's cold.) And then I headed to IHOP. I never go to IHOP. But I recommend the chicken fajita omelet. It's perfect for diabetic nursing moms. I also got a short stack of pancakes because they had sugar free syrup. Huzzah, I love pancakes. Some people are Freedom Toasters. I'm a Pancaker. Beanie, if I have my way, will be a pancaker. My best friend, mom, and partner are all toasters. How I get along with them all, I have no idea. But my mom is the ickiest with her salt and pepper instead of butter or powdered sugar. Yickola.

So, the Beanie is still teething. 9 AM pediatrician visit tomorrow to bug him about what other narcotics I can use on my poor kid besides grape flavored children's tylenol.

2005-10-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have been trying to get on this blog for days and days, and the password always kicks back as "wrong". Whatever. It worked this time. I have no idea what is going on.

I guess I coulda used my same old username...

Anyway.

The world of Beanie is crazy these days. She's TEETHING for heaven's sake.

How is that possible???

She's not even technically 2 months old (she is 8 weeks old though, go figure.) I will see the pediatrician for her 2 month visit on Wednesday and I'm going to point out her baby tooth nubs and ask what to do for her that hasn't been done so far.

I can't stand to see my baby in pain. I also don't know how many more days of being awakened at 4 AM to screams of pain that cannot be helped without lots of breastfeeding, lots of cuddling, offering frozen nuks, and finally giving in and administering baby tylenol (which kicks in fast, she likes her medicine.) It bothers me that I have to give her pain relief when all the websites say teething doesn't cause pain. WTF?? So why is she screaming bitterly all day long? The only way I can get her to stop is to 1) stick a nunu in her mouth 2) stick cold rubber nuks in her mouth 3) distract her with a bath 4) giver her pain killers. And this is an ALL DAY LONG rescue mission.

I'm beat to hell.

What can I do to fix her boo boo tooths??

~Beanie Mommy Freaking OUT

2005-10-08T12:31:00.000-07:00

They don't tell you about newborn ears. When they are first born and very fresh, the ears look like little bits of nothing. Like hollowed out turkish apricots that were blanched and then left in the sun too long and then slightly rehydrated.
About 24 hours later, your baby will have ears like a normal baby.
Mine has BEAUTIFUL ears. I am shocked. There are no weird little bumps or lumps on them like on mine, there are no moles, no freckles, no hairs, no broken blood vessels, nothing but absolutely beautiful ears.
I want to kiss them all the time.

And her neck. I want to chew on it, it's so yummy and plump and precious. I want to bury my face in her little neck and kiss it and make her laugh. She will giggle in her sleep, but she currently has yet to give a quality guffaw while awake.

However, she does smile.

6 weeks old today.

And now she's wailing.

Must go take care of the beanie.

~Beanie Mommy

2005-09-17T20:20:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 3 week birthday of Elspeth Lorelei, AKA "The Beanie". She's been the beanie ever since she was 7 weeks in utero and we saw her ultrasound and it looked like a black jelly bean.

Beanie is half chinese and was born with dark hair and blond highlights. Go figure.

I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling her little kicks and reassuring little hiccups. Not that I don't mind her being out and in my arms, but there are times I really MISS my BELLY.

I do not miss the problems with heat intolerance and the sleep dysfunction (I'm still convinced that you have trouble sleeping so you are tolerant of your newborn's weird hours later on.) I do not miss bad vivid dreams (I only miss the vivid good ones). I do not miss feeling like something was falling out.

Except that I still sort of have the "falling out" feeling. Especially when I have to poo.

The first poo of pregnancy is apparently rough for everyone. I called it the Poo Baby. When you deliver your poo baby without an epidural, you will know what delivering your baby WITH the epidural should have felt like. I have had two rough ones. My friend told me she had FINALLY gotten back to normal in that department, and it's been 3 months since her real baby was born. Anyway. Birthing the poo baby is the hardest thing I've had to do with my nethers since the baby was born. I've basically stayed away from them due to pain.

Perineums hurt. Tearing them hurts more. I don't know what I would have done without my epidural, no matter how much that hurt to get. When I got mine, I was contracting two minutes apart and don't know how I sat still enough. I was shaking, crying, and puking. And when the epidural (which hurts like a mofo and the doc did it 4X because my back is crooked) kicked in, it felt like 4 special brownies in front of a cozy warm fire. I may have said that one too many times. I'm lucky they didn't take my kid away from me. It isn't like I eat drugged brownies on a regular basis or anything. Anyway. The epidural is very nice once it kicks in. You itch and get to blissfully scratch yourself with a washcloth.

Contractions hurt. They feel like bad cramps until your water is broken. Once that occurs, it kicks into high gear. Think menstrual cramp full body 100 times harder than any bad cramp you've ever had. I got relief in the shower on a gym ball letting hot water roll over me. I'd lean back and breathe through the surges. I did a lot of hypnobirthing practice, but I gotta say, the only thing it did for me was let me have big cramps for hours and I don't remember them. I remember around 10 PM asking for an epidural because I was still in my right mind and knew I didn't want to go through many more hours of that kind of pain without a little relief. I could probably due a birth without one, but I actually liked it. I did really well with it. I was walking to the cafeteria the day after having a baby.

I thought that it would kick in, the love thing. I love her with my soul, her little body makes me so happy sometimes. I sleep deeply next to her, and listen to her breathing. But I don't have that heart tug thing that used to happen with the babies I babysat for. I don't have the pain when I leave her at home with someone. I don't have the deep feeling for her that I thought I would. I am content. I don't feel complete or anything metaphysical. I think it's because I worked so hard to get her. I wanted her too much. And all that want made me sort of empty. I'm thinking it's to get full again, with the love I know I feel but am not registering correctly. Maybe that's post partum depression in my world. I could be experiencing it a little differently than most people, since I did just have a baby.

I miss my belly. I miss the happiness I felt being pregnant finally. And I miss the ecstasy of actually giving birth, my body was so happy afterwards (until 4 days later when no sleep and lack of pain killers made me think I had the flu so bad I was going to die.)

My baby is sleeping in a baby papasan chair near the computer. She's beautiful. I must go kiss her now.

~Beanies Mommy