Today marks the 3 week birthday of Elspeth Lorelei, AKA "The Beanie". She's been the beanie ever since she was 7 weeks in utero and we saw her ultrasound and it looked like a black jelly bean.

Beanie is half chinese and was born with dark hair and blond highlights. Go figure.

I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling her little kicks and reassuring little hiccups. Not that I don't mind her being out and in my arms, but there are times I really MISS my BELLY.

I do not miss the problems with heat intolerance and the sleep dysfunction (I'm still convinced that you have trouble sleeping so you are tolerant of your newborn's weird hours later on.) I do not miss bad vivid dreams (I only miss the vivid good ones). I do not miss feeling like something was falling out.

Except that I still sort of have the "falling out" feeling. Especially when I have to poo.

The first poo of pregnancy is apparently rough for everyone. I called it the Poo Baby. When you deliver your poo baby without an epidural, you will know what delivering your baby WITH the epidural should have felt like. I have had two rough ones. My friend told me she had FINALLY gotten back to normal in that department, and it's been 3 months since her real baby was born. Anyway. Birthing the poo baby is the hardest thing I've had to do with my nethers since the baby was born. I've basically stayed away from them due to pain.

Perineums hurt. Tearing them hurts more. I don't know what I would have done without my epidural, no matter how much that hurt to get. When I got mine, I was contracting two minutes apart and don't know how I sat still enough. I was shaking, crying, and puking. And when the epidural (which hurts like a mofo and the doc did it 4X because my back is crooked) kicked in, it felt like 4 special brownies in front of a cozy warm fire. I may have said that one too many times. I'm lucky they didn't take my kid away from me. It isn't like I eat drugged brownies on a regular basis or anything. Anyway. The epidural is very nice once it kicks in. You itch and get to blissfully scratch yourself with a washcloth.

Contractions hurt. They feel like bad cramps until your water is broken. Once that occurs, it kicks into high gear. Think menstrual cramp full body 100 times harder than any bad cramp you've ever had. I got relief in the shower on a gym ball letting hot water roll over me. I'd lean back and breathe through the surges. I did a lot of hypnobirthing practice, but I gotta say, the only thing it did for me was let me have big cramps for hours and I don't remember them. I remember around 10 PM asking for an epidural because I was still in my right mind and knew I didn't want to go through many more hours of that kind of pain without a little relief. I could probably due a birth without one, but I actually liked it. I did really well with it. I was walking to the cafeteria the day after having a baby.

I thought that it would kick in, the love thing. I love her with my soul, her little body makes me so happy sometimes. I sleep deeply next to her, and listen to her breathing. But I don't have that heart tug thing that used to happen with the babies I babysat for. I don't have the pain when I leave her at home with someone. I don't have the deep feeling for her that I thought I would. I am content. I don't feel complete or anything metaphysical. I think it's because I worked so hard to get her. I wanted her too much. And all that want made me sort of empty. I'm thinking it's to get full again, with the love I know I feel but am not registering correctly. Maybe that's post partum depression in my world. I could be experiencing it a little differently than most people, since I did just have a baby.

I miss my belly. I miss the happiness I felt being pregnant finally. And I miss the ecstasy of actually giving birth, my body was so happy afterwards (until 4 days later when no sleep and lack of pain killers made me think I had the flu so bad I was going to die.)

My baby is sleeping in a baby papasan chair near the computer. She's beautiful. I must go kiss her now.

~Beanies Mommy